Letting Go

The pain cuts so deep
When you inhale you can't take a full breath
It's all so heavy

It seems inescapable
Every word, every sound
Takes you back

It seems as if you will drown in your own sorrow
Sorrow for what was
Sorrow for what it is
Sorrow for what it should have been

Tears pour out from the depths of your being
Will this pain ever end?
Will things ever be normal?

How long must I stay in this wasteland?

It is such a dry and lonely place
Thoughts don't even seem to linger here

You search for a lifeline for yourself
The only problem is they never tell you what to do when you are the lifeline for others

Moment by moment is how you are functioning
Emotions hit you in waves
Knocking you to your knees

After awhile you realize your only hope is found in letting go

Letting go of the pain
Letting go of the past...even the present and future

Pondering

I have a confession to make. I don't think I've ever quite adjusted to being out of college. There was always something that needed to be done, some deadline to meet.

I think I have been stuck in a season. Don't get me wrong. I have work to do. I feel like I stay busy and I have never really mastered the art of just being.

Being okay with myself and where I am at physically.
Being okay with free time - I feel like I am lazy if I spend too much time on the computer or watching movies.

During this season - right here, right now I feel like God is telling me, "It's okay to have ONE goal. I want you to pour all of yourself into getting out the wheelchair. Stop feeling like you've missed an opportunity because you haven't done anything with your magazine. Don't get your worth out of things you DO. Realize that I love you for you even when you don't."

I'm realizing my worth isn't tied to who is or isn't around me.
My worth isn't in a job description.
My worth isn't determined by my imperfections.
My worth isn't tied to my writing.

I am more than my gifts. I guess I just haven't figured out who Madison is underneath all that. So many people put labels on you, but I am taking time to really ponder on who God says I am.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I am loved.
I am redeemed.
I am forgiven.

Perhaps the simplest but most powerful truth of all: I am a child of God. I belong to Him when I don't fit in anywhere else. He has a plan even when I can't see it. He's working behind the scenes when I don't see anything happening or feel like it's not fast enough.

Life in Motion

What would a life in motion look like?

What would a life closer to love look like? What would a life closer to peace look like?

To move closer to these things we have to move away from hate, away from fear, away from worry.

I say a life of love would mean encouraging others. It would mean being aware of someone's faults and flaws, but choosing to focus on their good qualities instead. A life of love would mean 1 Corinthians 13 in action. That chapter sounds lovely, but it's only any good if you apply it.

I looked up the definition of motion. We all know it means movement, but I wanted to dig deeper. Some synonyms for motion are: "Agitation, direction, change."

When I said a life of love would look like 1 Corinthians 13 in action, I'm sure it stirred up feelings of agitation because that means that you and I have to change. 

A life in motion means you are going somewhere. You have a direction. You are not just sitting still. You are actively pursuing more for yourself even though it's painful. 

I'll offer this thought: A life without motion has no direction. Maybe you fall into that category. Maybe you've lost the motivation to move. Maybe you think it's no use because you'll be stuck in this place forever. 

STOP THINKING LIKE THAT! Today is a new day. You can change! All you have to do is make a choice to move. Don't let the pain hold you hostage. You can rise above this! So, get out of the slump and move. Baby steps are still progress.

Remember little victories become big ones! Next time someone asks you how life is going, don't talk about the mess. Just say, "I'm a work in progress!"

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Promises

In the fog, I see breakthrough

As the rainbow appears, I am reminded of The Promise

I am reminded of the I AM

Perfectly imperfect life

Perfectly imperfect people

The Promise never wavers

I cling to the promise that You are near

You will not leave me in this haze of confusion and despair

It may be for a moment

Or for a season

But I promise you won’t stay here

It is working in you a far greater good

More than attitudes and thoughts

I promise to make you more

This fire is meant to refine you

Mold you, transform you

Remake who you thought you were

I promised you a hope and a future

Don’t ever forget—

I am holding you

In your darkest hour

When you question why things are the way they are

I promise I am there

Hearing every word uttered from your mouth

The cries that ache from the depth of your being

I promise it is not wasted

Nothing is in vain

Keep forging ahead

Don’t draw back

For in the Promise you find safety

In the Promise you find strength

It might seem like you have been tossed from the boat

Into the unknown, past your comfort zone

I promise in that place there is growth 

And unending joy

That place is underneath your feet

Every step - although painful - is one step closer to victory

Trust the process.  Believe the promise!

My 500 Words: A Writing Challenge - Day 31

Today's writing prompt is to write about finishing. 

Today is the last day of the writing challenge. There's nothing quite like the thrill of finishing something. I will never forget when I finished college.

On graduation day, I could hardly believe it. The day I had longed for was finally here! There were times I didn't think I'd ever finish. So many days my body hurt. So many long nights doing assignments.

When I got my diploma, nothing could wipe the smile off my face. I did it. I finished a goal I'd set for myself in spite of adversity. 

I finished not only because of my determination to complete my degree and better myself, but also because of my support system. I could not have done it without help from my Mama and Papa. They both took turns taking me back and forth to campus for classes.

Graduation was as much a victory for me as it was for them. Even on challenging days, we didn't quit. We stayed the course, and it paid off.

I celebrated with my family afterwards. I did something that a lot of people don't do. I wanted to finish my degree program in four years, but I wasn't physically able to do many classes when I first started. It took me five years to finish. My mom always said, "All you've got is time." She was right.

Had I finished in four years, I wouldn't have grown in the area of graphic design and published an awesome magazine that I still get compliments on today. Had I finished in four years, I wouldn't have grown as much as a person. I learned some valuable lessons in patience during that time. 

I learned not to rush through life. I learned to embrace the season I am in. And perhaps the most valuable lesson of all: I learned the true meaning behind a slogan my high school has... "It's not how you start that matters. It's how you finish."  

No one knows the extent of my physical struggles and pain at the beginning of college, but I finished STRONG. I finished fourth in my class. 

I don't know what you are struggling to finish. Don't let your circumstances overtake you. Rise up! Whether you realize it or not, you have the strength within to finish your course with joy!

My 500 Words: A Writing Challenge - Day 30

Today's writing prompt is to write about innocence. Write about childhood.  Write about ignorance.
Innocence is playing outside until dark.

Innocence is getting snow cones at the Tropical Sno place that was only open in the summer. I loved the green apple! No one's snow cones have ever compared to these.

When I think about innocence, a picture of my niece and nephews faces pops into my head. Their days consist of playing with cars and big rigs, making special deliveries...and often pestering their little sister who just wants to be close to them.

Innocence is not knowing about violence. My niece and nephews don't fully grasp how chaotic this world is, and I am thankful. They need to be kids.

Oh, how I wish I could go back to the days where every problem was solved with a game of rock, paper scissors. 

I remember getting home from school and having a Nutty Buddy that my Papa always kept for us. Childhood for me meant exploring the world around me on the four wheeler. We didn't have to worry about anyone trying to grab us. It was just us out in the open air with the crickets providing the background sounds.

Innocence is waiting for the ice cream truck to come by my aunt's house in the summer.  

Childhood dreams were crazy and fun. One day you'd want to be Superman and the next might be a policeman. Part of the greatness of being innocent is a vivid imagination. 

Things were so simple then. Sliding on the sliding slide was what Georgia summers were made of. Tea parties, painting my nails every color of the rainbow, stuffing my mouth with way too many mini Snickers candies at Memaw and Granddaddy's, impromptu concerts in the living room with my cousins...

Swinging on the swings at the elementary school and twisting it around and around until one of my friends threw up....

There were no rules... other than respect your elders, be kind, and treat others like you want to be treated.  

They say ignorance is bliss, and my childhood was great because I didn't know so many things.

I didn't know what it meant to hate. I loved everyone, period. 

In the words of Lee Anne Womack "I hope you never lose your sense of wonderYou get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger."

Just because time has passed doesn't mean you have to lose that spark you had when you were a child. Keep dreaming! Keep reaching for the stars. Don't let the cares of this life steal your joy. YOU were made for more! Don't settle for less.

If you are in a funk, do what scares you. Get out of your comfort zone! That child within you says, "What are you waiting for?!? GO FOR IT!

My 500 Words: A Writing Challenge - Day 29

Today's prompt is to write about what I do know. 

I know that I don't know everything. I do know I have lots to learn. 
I know I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I will look forward to it with joy, thankful for another day to be alive. I know some people aren't that fortunate. I don't always have words of comfort in times of crisis. I know I can be there and lend a listening ear. 

I don't know why I say some things. I know my tongue can be my greatest weapon or my biggest downfall. I don't know all of my weak areas. I know that I am a work in progress.

I don't know why people strive for perfection. Perfection means free from all flaws and defects, and I know I most certainly am not. 

I don't know how people perceive me. I know what kind of person I strive to be. 

I don't know why some people don't realize they are digging a hole that is deeper and deeper with the words they say. I know if they would be quiet, their life would be a lot more peaceful.

I don't know the in between chapters of my story, but I know the ending will be incredible!

I don't know why I get so frustrated about the length of the journey. I know life is a marathon, not a sprint. 

I don't know how long it will take to get to the climax of my life. I know all the heartaches and pain I've endured will be worth it.

I don't know why people are so busy with things in life, but they never really accomplish anything. I know I want to savor each moment, soaking in the people in my life and all they have to offer.

I don't know why people get entangled with so many lies. I know it will all unravel eventually.

I don't know why people spend so much time on superficial stuff. I know it won't matter years from now.

I don't know why people are so quick to judge and criticize others. I know what they judge someone else for they are usually guilty of themselves.

I don't know why everyone stopped being kind. It is a choice. I know kindness makes the world a better place. We don't need more money or stuff to make us happy. We just need to strip away all the fluff and get back to treating others the way we want to be treated. Kindness means caring about someone else. We have got to stop being so self-centered.

I don't know what the world will look like in ten years. I know if we continue on the path we're on, we will be detached from those around us, longing for real connections, but finding none because we've forgotten how to connect with others.

I don't know how many see what is happening. I know we are experiencing a slow fade. Day by day, the areas that were once black and white are now muddled and gray. Boundaries are being dissolved and lines are being crossed. Thoughts and words hang in the air.

I don't know where we will end up as a society. I know every word, every decision made does have an impact on our tomorrows.

My 500 Words: A Writing Challenge - Day 28

Today's writing prompt is to write my own eulogy. The instructions are to imagine what people would say if I passed away unexpectedly. What would I want them to say?

Madison was a vibrant girl who radiated positivity wherever she went. 

Born a tiny preemie twin, Madison had a rough start in life, but she never let her disability stop her. She always had a smile on her face. 

Madison saw challenges as opportunities. When in physical therapy as a child, she would always ask her therapist, "Am I doing this right?" These difficult times helped shape her into the person we knew and loved. 

Madison was a giver. She put others' needs ahead of herself. She was always thinking about ways to help other people, whether that be journals for sick kids or tissues for cancer patients. Her greatest joy came when she could do something for someone else.

Madison never settled in life. She forged her own path and did things her way. When others said she couldn't do something, she would prove them wrong, often doing it better than they thought possible.

Madison was a leader. People of all ages looked up to her and how she carried herself. Madison inspired all who knew her to live life to the fullest.

Madison loved Jesus. Do you know how I know that? From the times she sincerely listened to a hurting woman to the time she bent down to hug a child, you knew she cared about you. She didn't just talk about making a difference, she did it. One of her greatest questions was "Am I making a difference?" Anyone who knows Madison knows she did. She made a difference by loving people well. She made a difference by giving hope and words of encouragement. 

If Madison were here, I know she would tell us to break down the barriers, keep striving for greatness. And that's exactly what we will do. We will all be kinder to each other, and I know she would want us to smile more. It really does make a difference.

This exercise also says to tell what things I would regret. If I died today, I would regret words I have said. Words said in anger. Words said out of pain and frustration. 

I would regret worrying about things that don't even matter. I would regret wasting time and energy on people who don't value me.

My 500 Words: A Writing Challenge - Day 27

Today's writing prompt is to write about work. Work meant something very different to the older generation. To them, work meant getting up early and working a job that usually required hard physical labor. They worked on the farm taking care of animals before the sun came up each morning. They tilled the garden months in advance to prepare the soil for the seeds. 

The women worked, too. They took care of the home and the children, which was a full-time job that demanded their attention at all times. Women also picked the vegetables in the garden and prepared them for canning. That is hard work! 

When I was a little girl, I'd help my Granny silk corn from the garden. That meant I would have to take a brush and go over and over the corn until all the fine "hair" was gone. The "hair" was thin yellow strands that you definitely didn't want to eat. Then, Granny would cut all the kernels off the ear of corn. We'd do that over and over until every ear of corn was done.

I also remember standing over a simmering pot of tomatoes that were cooking over the burner Granny and Papa had set up outside. The fresh tomatoes they'd picked that morning were now being cooked down so Granny could can them later.

It was usually hot and humid when we did this, so as I watched the tomatoes bubble up in the pot, my face would bead with sweat. It was made worse by the heat emanating from underneath the pot. I knew it'd be worth it, though when I wanted some homemade tomato soup in the winter.

The generation of young people today weren't brought up in the same manner. Things have been a lot easier for us. We have the conveniece of technology meaning everything is at our finger tips. We don't know what it means to be patient because all companies are striving to make everything faster and better. Many of us don't know the value of hard work because we haven't had to struggle.

If there is one thing my grandparents have taught me it is that anything worth having comes by work. If you don't work and apply yourself, you will never succeed. In a day where everyone is taking shortcuts, I choose to be different. I choose to take a little extra time and give a little more effort than is required.

Why do I do this? I do it because I know the value of work. Work isn't just something you do to get a paycheck. Work is necessary in all aspects of life, in the home and on the job. If you don't work to maintain something, it will eventually fall apart. May we all remember the saying, "A little hard work never hurt anyone."

My 500 Words: A Writing Challenge - Day 26

Today's prompt is to write about disappointment. I've been disappointed about things and people many times in my life, but I'm going to share a story that marked me.

I was in middle school. It was the time when everyone was invited for sleepovers. I invited one of my friends over and I was SO excited!

My mom bought me a new comforter that day. It was light blue with little white daisies. I made sure my room was clean. I wanted everything to be perfect for my friend!

After awhile I started asking my mom, "I wonder when Lily(name is changed) will be here? I can't wait for Lily to get here! We're going to have so much fun!"

I waited and waited. I never got a phone call. "Maybe Lily's mom is just running late." I couldn't think of another reason why she wasn't here yet.

The darkness outside my window let me know it would soon be nighttime. Still no Lily. I crawled into my bed and tucked my clean sheets around me. "I bet Lily will show up!" I said, still holding out hope that she'd show up at my house any minute.

Finally, Mama said something. She'd been quiet in the midst of my excitement and never-ending questions about Lily. "I don't think she's coming, Madison."

"What? Why would she do that? She IS coming! I know it!" I went to bed half sad and half mad. I was sad because deep down I knew my mom was right, and mad at Lily and myself for wasting all my afternoon waiting on someone who probably wasn't even thinking about me.

Lily never came for the sleepover. I was hurt. I wanted to spend time with my friend, but she didn't want to spend time with me, and I didn't know why.

I didn't let that experience break me. I still tried my best to be friends with people - even Lily. Even when you are disappointed, you have a choice. You can let it make you bitter or better. You can shut down and close off from the rest of the world, but you will be limiting yourself. 

You will be missing out on laughter and great times. Don't let one bad experience taint your view of everyone. You won't be friends with everyone, but there are people out there who will love you for who you are.

If you're wondering, I have forgiven Lily for what she did. I learned to not let my happiness be determined by someone else. 

My 500 Words: A Writing Challenge - Day 24

Today's prompt is to cut the fluff. There isn't a specific topic to write about. The only rule is to not use that or very and try not to use adverbs.

Ponderings of the Heart

If wisdom is better than silver or gold, how much do I have? Are my actions that of a wise person or a fool? Do I keep silent or do I fall into the trap set before me?

Am I walking the narrow path, the one less traveled? Have I gotten lazy? Have I strayed from the course I know is right?

I say I am generous, but am I withholding things I can give?

Do my words fall on deaf ears, yet I still talk and talk, never really helping the person? 

I read a passage that says, "He who offends loves strife." Who have I offended today? Even if I didn't realize it, do I love stirring up trouble? I must be thoughtful in the words I choose. It is more important than ever to walk humbly before the Lord. 

Do I thirst for knowledge and understanding as much as I do material things? 

I can't look at the life someone else is living. I have to examine my own heart. I have to look at my own motives. Why do I do the things I do? Why do I say the things I say? My prayer is "Create a clean heart in me, Lord. Renew a right spirit within me." 

I know I don't always do the things Jesus would do. I don't always have the right attitude. Help me, Lord, to surrender to you every day knowing that Your ways are better than mine. Help me to trust You to direct my steps. Help me to be quiet when I know it would do no good to say anything. When my words won't help someone or encourage them, they don't need to be said.

What areas am I failing in? What can I change? I know I can be kinder. The Bible says, "A soft answer turns away wrath." I know this, but am I practicing it? I want it to become second nature, but I haven't gotten there yet.

I am thankful for patience and mercy. It seems like I am tested in these areas every day. I am learning to overlook things that would have bothered me in the past. People are human. Even if I don't agree with something they said or the way they said it, I realize they are not me. They are not going to talk like me. Their words may come out a little differently, but they mean well. If they didn't care, they wouldn't bother to say anything at all. 

I am thankful for every new day because it is a day I get to try again. If I messed up yesterday, I can do better today. There is no time like today to love deeper and be kinder. I've noticed the more I love others, the more peace and joy I have in my life. You know why? If I'm loving others, I won't have time to be critical. I won't have time to point out their flaws. When you feel the urge to lash out in anger, I challenge you to respond in love instead. You'll be surprised how the situation changes!

My 500 Words: A Writing Challenge - Day 23

Today’s prompt is to write the end of my novel.

I am free from the wheelchair and walker. I am walking everywhere, better than ever before. My steps are steady. It’s not a struggle.

I am independent, able to take care of myself. Pain is a distant memory. My days are filled with exciting adventures and fulfilling projects.

I used to wonder what it would be like to stand tall again. Now I am doing it. Unashamed and unfraid. My latter truly is greater than my past.

Nothing holds me back. The sky is the limit to what I can accomplish. I can say without a doubt that my pain didn’t stop me. It propelled me forward. It launched me into what I am doing today.

I spend my days sharing my story with people from all over the world. My struggles, my fears…all of it. I share it not from a place of pity, but a place of victory. I share from a place of victory now. I have climbed the mountain of sickness and overcome it. I have climbed the mountain of physical pain and overcome it. YOU can, too. No matter what you are facing today, something better is just over the horizon!

It is not uncommon for me to be in Seattle one day and Spain the next. People are hurting everywhere. If I can bring hope to one person who has been beaten down by the circumstances of life, it is worth it.

It is a privilege to give my life away others. For so long I was dependent on others to help me, now I get to be that support system for someone else. I get to extend my hand to lift them out of the pit. I get to show them that anything is possible if they just believe.

That is what I live for! I used the words of doubt and hate and misunderstanding as stepping stones to greatness. You have something of value to give to the world. Stop hiding! Stop using excuses. You can make a difference now. You don’t have to wait until you are a certain age.

If I can say anything to you: Love yourself with all your flaws. Don’t try to change who you are to fit in. There is only one you! Embrace life with everything you have. Don’t draw back from a challenge. Face it. The courage is within you – you just have to see it. No, your body may not change. Things may not get easier at first. But the more you face the obstacles of life, the stronger you become.

As I am standing on the stage in front of thousands of people, I am reminded of one statement that changed my life. As I look out into the crowd of faces, I am struck with gratitude for this opportunity. With tears in my eyes, I say, “I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this, but I believe in you. Whether you are eight years old, or eighty, I believe in you.”

The crowd was so quiet you could hear the rustling of papers throughout the auditorium.

“I believe that each of you haven’t reached your full potential. Shake off the worries of yesterday and the what ifs of tomorrow and just live life. Do what you’ve been afraid of doing.”

My 500 Words: A Writing Challenge - Day 22

Fear. I thought I had faced this unwelcome enemy many times before, but on August 3, 2017, I was dealt a blow that knocked the breath out of me. That was the day my mom was diagnosed with stage one breast cancer. This was a fear I had never known before.

It didn’t make sense. The diagnosis came out of nowhere, like a predator lying in wait to strike its prey at the moment it is least expected. Cancer is an enemy you can’t see. One minute my mom was healthy, able to do her job and whatever else she wanted to do. 

The next minute she was a cancer patient. Her calendar quickly filled up with doctor’s appointments. I didn’t know what to make of this. I was usually the one who needed to see a doctor. Mama was NEVER sick! The most serious thing she’d ever had since I was alive was kidney stones.

Well-meaning people started talking about her dying the very same day she was diagnosed. I wasn’t even thinking about that.  I was still dealing with the fact that she was sick, not what might happen.

But then, I was lying in bed at night a few days after she got the news and the thoughts crept in: “I haven’t even learned how to drive yet. Who will help take me places? Who will teach me to drive? If something does happen to Mama, how will I make it alone?” Fear and anxiousness kept me awake. Every time Mama coughed in her sleep, I asked, “Are you alright?” I just had a hard time processing the cold hard truth. My Mama had cancer and I didn’t like it one bit.

I wanted to fix it. I wanted to make it better, but there was nothing I could do. When the doctor said too much estrogen in her body caused her cancer and soy feeds on estrogen, I became paranoid. He said to avoid soy whenever possible. I started looking at labels. Soy is in everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Even vitamins, mayonnaise, crackers…you name it and soy is more than likely in it.

Once I came to terms with Mama’s new normal and that she was going to be okay after radiation treatments, fear gripped me. I’m 27. I was 26 at the time. I didn’t want cancer, but if it happened to Mama, it could happen to me.

I hate cancer. I hate that it destroys bodies. Mama knew I wanted to be there to support her through her appointments, but I didn’t have the strength to be at everyone. She said, “The best thing you can do for me is pray.” I said, “I don’t feel like that is much.” She said, “It’s more than most people do.”

I decided several months ago to not let fear win. I gave all my worries and fears to God. He has ALWAYS taken care of my family, and there was no reason He wouldn’t see us through this.