Swimming in Emotions

Joining the weekly prompt over at Mama Kat's Writing Workshop.

Swimming against the current. Utterly exhausted from trying to keep myself afloat. Grief and chaos are all around. When will peace break through these waters? How do I keep going? Putting one arm in front of the other, I feel the water. Something so fluid and free, but my mind is heavy, like an anchor trying to pull me down. Willing me to stay rooted in the pain of yesterday and all the days before. 

I can't give in. I won't give in. The minute I stop trying is the minute I am consumed. This is not how the story ends.  It's just a chapter. Like Dory in the movie "Nemo," I'll just keep swimming. I plunge myself into living. Feeling. Breathing. Moving. 

I will reach the other side of the bank by turning my pain into purpose. 

I Will Not Be Moved

I'm tired. Tired of the struggle day after day. I feel like I'm in the in between space of growth and everything that led me to this point.

I wish I was never in the wheelchair. Getting out of it for good is one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I am determined to do it. Even if that means crying while doing my exercises. 
I haven't given up, but I am tired. I need God's breath to breathe on me again. 

This isn't meant to be a depressing post, but just an honest account of where I'm at.
To win the mental battle, I have to constantly celebrate the small victories. Just the other day, I walked 7 times instead of 6 in my hallway at home.

I'm challenging myself to do more and go further. I told my mom, "It seems like I have such a long way to go to get to where I want to be." She always reminds me, "Look at how long you were down for." I was bedridden 2-3 years, but I've been in the wheelchair for almost 14 years.

I just have to steel my shoulders and plant my feet firmly on the ground. I refuse to be moved by how I feel. I refuse to be moved by what I see. 

The Strength Within

When all the outside forces are pulling you in a million directions
Testing your patience and causing frustration

Day after day the pain lingers like an unwelcome visitor
I start to feel like a stranger in my own skin

But somewhere deep inside
I summon the strength within

The strength that says I won't stop
The strength that says I have too much too give
Don't silence me
Don't quit

Don't give into the voices that say "This is just the way it is. This is your reality now deal."

There's a fire deep in my bones
A knowing that this isn't how the story ends
I control the narrative

Not my body
Not my emotions

They flucuate like a rollercoaster
I get mad
I get tired

Sometimes I can barely move

Still I rise
Moment after moment
I refuse to let pain control me

I've seen God's hand in my life many times before
He's raised me up before and He's doing it again

Things may be really hard right now
But that just means the victory will be so much sweeter

Tendons pulling in
I pull back

I square my shoulders and dig my heels in
Because I control the narrative
Using the strength within

We Made It

Today was my first shower since surgery. Mama put the boot on because Dr. Brosky said to use it when doing a lot of pressure walking.

I haven’t put weight on my foot since surgery, so it felt weird. I was only able to take tiny steps to get to the shower. Mama was holding me with each step.

As soon as I sat down I got a sharp pain in the back of my head. Mama shaved my legs.

It felt incredibly weird to be in the shower. It was almost like an out-of-body experience. I held on to my shower seat. I can’t explain it. I felt like I had to hold on.

“Calm down. Take some deep breaths,” Mama said. I put my hand on the shower to steady myself. "It just feels SO weird sitting in here!"

Then it was time to wash my hair. I was prepared for my toe to hurt, but what happened next I was NOT expecting. The muscles in my legs cramped violently.

There was no way I could wash my hair. Mama had to help me.

As she washed my hair, I was crying. As the muscles made it clear they weren’t going to relax, I went from crying to wailing.

“You know the calmer you stay, the better it is for you,” Mama said.

“I know. It just hurts SO bad!”

Finally, I told Mama to bring me a Flexeril pill, which is a muscle relaxer I take to help spasms.

She tried to give it to me, but I couldn’t reach for it. She put the pill in my mouth and the drink to my lips so I could get it down.

After a while, Mama said, “Do you think you could wash your body to get your mind off things?”

“I’ll try,” I mumbled through the pain.

I got as far as holding the bottle before my left leg went into a spasm again.

“My leg! My leg!”

I knew I needed to stay calm, but my body didn’t want to cooperate. In a moment of clarity, I said, “I thank you these muscle spasms stop in the name of Jesus!” Mama was praying, too.

I could feel my body relax. Sweet, sweet relief.

Mama said, “Has it relaxed?”

Yes.

“I felt it,” she said.

Finally, we got my hair washed. But my legs were still somewhat in spasm.

Mama said, “I’m going to leave you for a while, so you can get calmed down before you try to get up.

I tried to put my left leg up on the ledge. It stuck straight out. “You crazy leg!” I yelled in frustration as I got it to bend back.

I said, “Your grace is sufficient. God, I can’t do this without you. I know you are here with me, but I have got to have your help to get up.

Scriptures started flowing out of me, “If God is for me, who can be against me? With God on my side, I cannot fail.”

My body relaxed as the pain faded away.

The ironic thing is my toe – the thing that was operated on – NEVER hurt during my shower.

I know what happened. For months, my legs have cramped and went into spasm because of my toe. Even though my toe is fixed, my body hasn’t gotten the memo. It is still reacting the same way it did before the surgery.

This post doesn’t scratch the surface of what I felt. You had to be there, and even then, you couldn’t feel what I felt. Usually when I have a muscle spasm, I sit up on the side of the bed or get up to relieve it, but today I was stuck. I couldn’t go anywhere. I had to work through it, as uncomfortable as it was.

I don’t know what people do without God because without Him, I could never make it. God never said things would be easy, but He did say He would help me through it.

My 500 Words: A Writing Challenge - Day 22

Fear. I thought I had faced this unwelcome enemy many times before, but on August 3, 2017, I was dealt a blow that knocked the breath out of me. That was the day my mom was diagnosed with stage one breast cancer. This was a fear I had never known before.

It didn’t make sense. The diagnosis came out of nowhere, like a predator lying in wait to strike its prey at the moment it is least expected. Cancer is an enemy you can’t see. One minute my mom was healthy, able to do her job and whatever else she wanted to do. 

The next minute she was a cancer patient. Her calendar quickly filled up with doctor’s appointments. I didn’t know what to make of this. I was usually the one who needed to see a doctor. Mama was NEVER sick! The most serious thing she’d ever had since I was alive was kidney stones.

Well-meaning people started talking about her dying the very same day she was diagnosed. I wasn’t even thinking about that.  I was still dealing with the fact that she was sick, not what might happen.

But then, I was lying in bed at night a few days after she got the news and the thoughts crept in: “I haven’t even learned how to drive yet. Who will help take me places? Who will teach me to drive? If something does happen to Mama, how will I make it alone?” Fear and anxiousness kept me awake. Every time Mama coughed in her sleep, I asked, “Are you alright?” I just had a hard time processing the cold hard truth. My Mama had cancer and I didn’t like it one bit.

I wanted to fix it. I wanted to make it better, but there was nothing I could do. When the doctor said too much estrogen in her body caused her cancer and soy feeds on estrogen, I became paranoid. He said to avoid soy whenever possible. I started looking at labels. Soy is in everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Even vitamins, mayonnaise, crackers…you name it and soy is more than likely in it.

Once I came to terms with Mama’s new normal and that she was going to be okay after radiation treatments, fear gripped me. I’m 27. I was 26 at the time. I didn’t want cancer, but if it happened to Mama, it could happen to me.

I hate cancer. I hate that it destroys bodies. Mama knew I wanted to be there to support her through her appointments, but I didn’t have the strength to be at everyone. She said, “The best thing you can do for me is pray.” I said, “I don’t feel like that is much.” She said, “It’s more than most people do.”

I decided several months ago to not let fear win. I gave all my worries and fears to God. He has ALWAYS taken care of my family, and there was no reason He wouldn’t see us through this.

My 500 Words: A Writing Challenge - Day 18

Today's prompt is to write about a time in my life that I've had to wait. I saw that and laughed. I laughed because my whole life I've had to wait. 

I've waited on test results - not knowing when I'd ever feel better.

I've waited on surgeries many, many times. I wait for the surgery day to get here, and then I wait for the surgery to begin. Waiting happens in phases. We are always starting and stopping something.

I've waited on insurance to pay for things I need - only to be denied and have to submit again and again.

I've waited for appointments with specialists.

I've waited for x-rays.

I've waited for pain medicine to start working to relieve hours of physical agony.

One thing about waiting is it forces you to slow down. You have to just sit and find ways to pass the time. Sometimes I find a magazine to read, but most times I will try to strike up a conversation with someone around me.  I wonder why they are there. What are they waiting for?

Waiting has taught me the meaning of patience. I know there is no magic wand to move me to the head of the line, so I might as well enjoy the wait. That is hard. Waiting tests your body and mind. Waiting means that you have to stay still.

The hard part about waiting is you can't see evidence of anything happening. The clock steadily ticks on as seconds turn into minutes and minutes turn into hours. Waiting can cause lots of frustration because you want to be moving forward, doing something. But it seems like your stuck. Waiting can make it seem like the promise is delayed. You may think that thing you have longed for might never come. 

Be still. In the midst of the waiting, quiet your thoughts. Refuse to listen to those voices of doubt and fear. 

Know that life does happen while you wait. You are growing while you wait. You learn many things while waiting. Don't miss those opportunities that come only through waiting. Many times you don't appreciate things you get instantly. You are more thankful for the things that were put on hold.

Like I said in earlier post, "Delay is not denial." Just because you are waiting on something to happen doesn't mean it won't happen. It make take a while, but don't lose hope. Waiting can cause discouragement. Another way of looking at the word discouragement is without courage. Don't let the waiting period rob you of your courage to persevere through the tough times. 

When people talk about waiting, they often associate it with bad things. Part of the definition is being inactive while waiting for something. Yes, you don't move while you wait, but there's a good reason for that. You have to stay put so you will be ready when your name is called. Stay alert while you wait! Better things are coming. Wait and see! 

Another Person's Perspective

Someone asked me, "When (with emphasis) are you going to drive?"

"I don't know" was my response.

"Well, what do you do all day?"

I told her, but nothing I said was good enough.

When I said I was walking, she asked, "How much?"

She proceeded to tell me about a paralyzed person who lives by herself and was doing a road trip.

"There's so much more to life than these four walls, " she said. "You are limiting yourself."

As if that weren't enough, she said, "You've just got to want to."

What the woman didn't know was I had a very painful morning. It had taken hours to get my body in a good place. I wasn't in the mood to fight. I didn't have the energy or mental focus to respond.

Now I would say, "What does it matter to you what I do all day? Why do you have to be so negative? Driving isn't an end all be all thing. I have to learn to walk again before I can think about driving."

I do want to do more. I strive to do that every day. I have goals. I help other people. I am creative. I know that I am not limiting myself. I know there are multiple ways to do things in life. Just because I don't do things just like everyone else doesn't mean I am not making a difference.

She said she was so impressed with that paralyzed woman because she had never seen anyone in her condition do all that. 

I am thankful for every person who overcomes the odds. My situation is different, though. I am not paralyzed. I feel more than anyone knows. If you haven't lived in my body, you don't know what I go through and what I have overcome.

Like a friend told me, "Anyone can walk, but few people ever go anywhere."

You can have unlimited potential and never take advantage of everything life has to offer because you are in a prison and don't know it. Being in bondage to your thoughts can be much worse than a physical disability.

* Please don't ask who said this. Just know that life is real and you have to deal with people who don't understand what you deal with.

The Lost Girl

Staring in the mirror, she didn't know herself. The spunk that set her apart from everyone else was replaced by a girl void of life. She was living and breathing, but she just existed. She wasn't experiencing life. 

She often closed the door to her room, drowning out the sounds of laughter and fun. "I just want quiet. I wish I was somewhere else. Anywhere but here, but where? Where can I go to escape myself?" she said.

Thoughts ran on a continuous loop in her head. She didn't want to think bad thoughts. She couldn't help it. Negativity swirled around her and threatened every relationship, like a venomous snake after its prey. 

Sleep was a distant memory. Hours lingered. The days seemed unbearable. How long must I be tormented? There has got to be more to life than this!

What happened to the positive, happy girl? She is in there somewhere! 

"I don't like this. I am hurting. I don't feel like doing ANYTHING!" she shouted. Then, she cried herself to sleep.

She was tired. Tired of things the way they were, but she didn't have the energy to change it, not right away. "Fight," others said. "I don't think you'll give up."

Sometimes she wanted to give up. That would be easy. That strength inside her was still there. She just had to make up her mind to do something. 

She realized she had spent too much time focusing on little things. She lost sight of the bigger picture. 

I want to encourage you. There is a greater plan unfolding. Just keep moving forward. Whatever you do, DON'T QUIT!

Finding My Joy Again

My joy was gone for about two to three weeks. Not on a vacation. It has been completely non-existent. I didn’t check my personal emails. I went to bed with a heaviness that often resulted in me being woken up in the middle of the night, unable to go back to sleep because of a pounding heart beat.

That feeling of dread often carried over into the morning. I had things I needed to be working on, but I had ZERO desire to do anything.

How did this happen? I’ll tell you. It resulted from me carrying things I had no business carrying. Matthew 6:25-27 reminds us not to worry saying, “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing?  Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?”

I knew my joy was gone. I hated the way I felt. If my mind and emotions were not in turmoil, I was just in limbo. I wasn’t doing anything to move forward. I KNEW I needed to pray, but I couldn’t. I would read a few Scriptures in the Bible just to get some peace…for the moment. Sometimes I would start out quoting the Word with power and authority, but end up in tears.

I KNEW I needed to confess the Word over myself. I knew it, but the circumstances and overwhelming feelings were just too much. I would try to work on things and I would just go in circles, never really accomplishing anything.

I’d had people pray for me. The feelings would lift. Then, my mouth would get me into trouble. It’s like I had an overwhelming urge to say the wrong thing whenever something happened. I am usually never continually negative, but it seemed like nothing was right. I couldn’t write because I didn’t have anything to say. The words weren’t hanging out in my mind. They simply weren’t there.

Finally, I called a friend. I talked to her for five minutes, only sharing a little of what I was feeling. She started praying for me and God showed her almost everything…even things I had thought!

I slept better that night, but the next day was a struggle. Finally, my mom said, “Something’s got to give.” “I know,” I said. “You won’t pray. You used to listen to the Word. I don’t know what you do now.”

“It’s not that I quit listening all together. The sound of anything irritated me. I irritated myself.

Mama and I committed to start praying in tongues thirty minutes every morning. If I couldn’t do it all right then, I took Mama’s advice and prayed when I could, even if that meant just a few minutes at a time.

After a few days, weightiness and heaviness that had been so prevalent lifted. I felt lighter. I wasn’t as irritated. Before I got the breakthrough, each day I had to look for something to be happy about.

When my nephew and cousin came over, I made myself get excited and do silly faces. I told Mama I felt fake doing that, but she said, “Sometimes, you have to fake it until you make it.”

If things seem bad right now, they won’t stay that way. LIFT UP YOUR HEAD! Turn your eyes to Jesus! I promise you He’s there. The enemy wants to convince you that he’s won this round. He wants you to stay down. I am encouraging you to GET UP! With God, all things are possible! All you have to do is make a choice to let God be God! He’s got this!