The Longest Goodbye

This is what I said it felt like when describing what we have gone through with my grandmother. For four years, we've watched her slip away. First, it was crippling anxiety and panic attacks. Second, it was her losing the ability to drive. Third was bedsores that became open wounds. Next, it was her getting up out of bed and falling and breaking a few vertebrae in her back. After that, it was her becoming bedridden. Now, it's hard for her to communicate clearly. She also has some trouble swallowing.

We've felt all of the emotions of grief. When my Papa finally decided to let Hospice come in and help, the nurses thought several times she was going to pass away in a matter of days. All of the family came in to say goodbye.

She didn't pass away like they thought she would. She's been on Hospice for almost nine months. I miss my Granny coming to visit me. Even though we live within walking distance, I still miss her coming to check on me. Now, the tables have turned and I get on my electric scooter to go check on her and my Papa.

I miss her smile. This sickness has taken away her ability to smile. I miss her being healthy. She always said she wanted to lose some weight, but she never wanted it to go like this.

I miss her funny jokes. One time she wore some black glasses with a big fake nose. I kept them because they remind me of her.

I miss seeing her work in the garden. Every year, my Papa plants tomatoes, sweet potatoes, okra green beans, and corn. Granny would always help him pick the food and then spend all day in the kitchen canning it so they could have fresh vegetables for winter. She made the BEST green beans and corn! Now, my Papa still does a garden, it's just smaller.

When my Memaw died, it was a shock. I felt like I didn't get to say all the things I wanted to. She was ripped from our lives due to COVID. No one was prepared for her death because she was healthy. It was a short goodbye, and I am still grieving her loss.

With my Granny, I've gotten more time. I said when she got sick, "I wish I had come down here more when the kids were little and she cooked all kinds of surprises for them." So, since I have the gift of time, I make time to go down there once every few weeks, even when I am in excruciating back pain because I don't want to have any regrets. I don't remember if I told my Memaw I loved her before she passed, so I made sure to tell my Granny.

I wish I could hug her, but clasping her hands will have to do because I can't reach over the bed while I'm in my scooter without falling over. The main concern I have is not hurting my Granny. She's so fragile now. 

This morning, my Granny met Jesus. I will love her forever.

An Empty Celebration

Today is my niece's 7th birthday, and we didn't get to celebrate with her today. My mom made a cake just in case she came.

From the time I woke up, I was confronted with the reality that she wasn't there. The empty house that was so still the silence was deafening.

When we finally did decide to get out of the house, there was a little girl at the restaurant with us who was celebrating her birthday. She had a cute little pink headband that proudly showed everyone she was the birthday girl.

I had to choke back tears at the table as I remembered we SHOULD have been celebrating my niece. As the little girls laughed and smiled, I couldn't help but see my precious niece's face. I hurt in a way I didn't think I could today.

Then something else happened that was another slap in the face. I said, "God, you see this! I know you say forgive seventy times seven, but I don't know how much more I can take."

Forever Forward

FOREVER FORWARD

I heard this phrase in a song last week, and it stuck with me. It's easy to choose to go forward for a day, a week, a month, maybe even a year.

But choosing to forever go forward takes a deep level of commitment. Forever forward means looking adversity in the eye and saying, "You will not win." Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Because people who choose forever forward are not bound by circumstances, attitudes, or people.

They choose to continually go forward because to stop means you die. To quit growing means you are stagnant, stuck in one place. Like a female veteran friend of mine recently said, "Stagnant waters don't heal or nourish."

Get up out of the pain of yesterday and go forward! Whatever that may look like for you. Make better decisions. I can't guarantee hardship won't be there when you wake up, but choosing forever forward means awakening the lion within you. And staying committed to doing that as long as it takes.

Forever forward means looking at pain and saying, "You may have held me down for a season, but I will summon the strength and grace needed to press past this. Soon, that obstacle that once seemed insurmountable will now be a stepping stone to help others.

I Will Not Be Moved

I'm tired. Tired of the struggle day after day. I feel like I'm in the in between space of growth and everything that led me to this point.

I wish I was never in the wheelchair. Getting out of it for good is one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I am determined to do it. Even if that means crying while doing my exercises. 
I haven't given up, but I am tired. I need God's breath to breathe on me again. 

This isn't meant to be a depressing post, but just an honest account of where I'm at.
To win the mental battle, I have to constantly celebrate the small victories. Just the other day, I walked 7 times instead of 6 in my hallway at home.

I'm challenging myself to do more and go further. I told my mom, "It seems like I have such a long way to go to get to where I want to be." She always reminds me, "Look at how long you were down for." I was bedridden 2-3 years, but I've been in the wheelchair for almost 14 years.

I just have to steel my shoulders and plant my feet firmly on the ground. I refuse to be moved by how I feel. I refuse to be moved by what I see. 

A Consuming Prayer

This is what I prayed to God while worshipping by myself tonight. What do your prayers to God look like?

Consume my anger

Consume my frustration

Consume my guilt

Consume my pain

Consume my brokenness

Consume my depravity

Consume my emptiness

 Consume me, God

I need you more than I need to be right

I need you so I can be a light

Let your Word guide me

Away from myself

And my inhibitions

Consume me, God

Because it’s in You that I find me

Apart from you, I’m nothing

Separation

My body was there, but I retreated to a place of silence
Trying to make myself invisible
Trying to drown out the noise

There it was
A separation
A chasm
Close in body, but moving further and further away

Spiritually, mentally

Disconnected, wholly separate

An unwelcome visitor wedged its way in
Past the familiarities
Forget the pleasantries

It sit down heavily
Like a boulder teetering on the edge of a mountain
A mountain of pain
Simmering just below the surface
That superficial veneer threatened to crack with every breath

Things weren't different
They were just as messy as they have always been
That's when I was thankful I was different than them

God, Help Me

God, help me
I feel so disconnected
We may be back together and near other people, but I feel miles apart

It's like starting over
It is starting over

Where do I fit?
Does anyone want what I have to give?

Does anyone see me?
I feel like a blip on the water that is only there for a few seconds
In and out
Up and down

Nothing changes
People are callous and cold

Only doing surface level chit chat
I can't stand that

I can't stand feeling like this is just another day
Smiling but never really connecting
Hugging but never breaking barriers

I'm tired of those who are okay with status quo
Go with the flow
Don't disrupt how we do things

God, help me to feel again
Help me to see clearly
Not with a haziness
A cloud hanging over everything

Every word
Every action
Even interactions

Let me be a bridge
Let me be a light
Pointing the way for others
Even if no one else cares

Even if they don't care enough to do anything
Even if they don't care enough to say anything
Help me to not shrink back
And curl into myself

Going back into my shell
Help me not lose myself

Mama Kat's Writing Workshop Week 2

I'm joining in Mama Kat's writing workshop again this week.  

I chose the prompt that says write a blog post inspired by the word: Fresh


Fresh flowers are sitting in a vase
Buds and blossoms hang delicately 
Plucked from the ground
Now we gaze at their beauty

Orange, reds and yellows swirl together in a perfect symphony
Creating a blend of striking patterns

And the smell
Like dewdrops after the rain
A mixture of sweetness
Like a honeysuckle vine

Fresh flowers have an aroma like nothing else
Bringing cheeriness to every room

Don't Look Down!

For about a year and a half, God has been saying to me, “Don’t look down!” I haven’t always been in a wheelchair. When I was a child and a teenager, I walked. Ever since I’ve had to use a walker, I’ve had a habit of looking down when doing various tasks.

Twice this week, God has told me to not look down. Once through Pastor Jason’s sermon and again through a devotional I’m reading.

My devotional said, “When you’re looking down, all you can see is what’s down. It limits your perspective and lowers your expectations.”

I choose to look up! Kenneth Hagin has a message on persistent faith and he says, “See yourself doing what you can’t do.”

I see myself walking
I see myself running
I see myself jumping
I see myself driving

I see my left knee straight and not turned in
I see my left leg the same length as my right

This is what it looks like to walk by faith. You have to see it in the spirit realm before it will ever manifest in the natural.

I am making a conscious effort to hold my head up. All things are possible to those who believe!

In Between

Photo by JHorna Smidt from FreeImages

I gazed at the beautiful photograph as summer-time childhood memories danced in my head. The hydrangeas contrasted beautifully with the rustic fence. The blooms were bright and full, so inviting I could almost smell them.

“This bush finally had blooms about 5 years after I planted it,” my friend said. “I don’t know whether to say I was patient on waiting for it to bloom or stubborn because I wanted to leave it planted there. Turned out nice, though.”

I wondered how many of us would have left the bush there for that long, when it seemed like it wasn’t producing. Still, she left it there because she loved the plant. Five long years had passed with no blooms, but now the plant is flourishing. The photo was beautiful, but no one saw the waiting period. That plant was getting ready to blossom in the midst of the dry spell. Anyone can marvel at the bush’s beauty now; only a gardener could appreciate the process.

You may be like that hydrangea, feeling dry and lifeless with no blooms to show that you are growing. Don’t pull up your roots just yet! You could be on the verge of something great and miss out because your life doesn’t match the picture you had in your head. Just because you’re in a seemingly lifeless spot where time ticks by slowly, doesn’t mean what God told you in the previous seasons has changed. His Word is still the same!

How many times have we wanted to move from where we’re planted? If we do, we will miss our opportunity to bloom.

Letting Go

The pain cuts so deep
When you inhale you can't take a full breath
It's all so heavy

It seems inescapable
Every word, every sound
Takes you back

It seems as if you will drown in your own sorrow
Sorrow for what was
Sorrow for what it is
Sorrow for what it should have been

Tears pour out from the depths of your being
Will this pain ever end?
Will things ever be normal?

How long must I stay in this wasteland?

It is such a dry and lonely place
Thoughts don't even seem to linger here

You search for a lifeline for yourself
The only problem is they never tell you what to do when you are the lifeline for others

Moment by moment is how you are functioning
Emotions hit you in waves
Knocking you to your knees

After awhile you realize your only hope is found in letting go

Letting go of the pain
Letting go of the past...even the present and future

The Illusion of Control

Control. It's something that keeps pulling us in a different direction.

I struggle with letting go. I try to control people and situations, but it ALWAYS ends in bitter frustration.

Do you want to know why? Because I can't control another person. I can't control circumstances, no matter how hard I try. I could say all the right things and do something with a pure motive and things still end in disaster.

Some days I am fine letting go. My head doesn't spin. My heart doesn't race. I am just content to let things be. Content to not mess with the messiness of life.

Other times I feel like I have my hand firmly on the reigns, only to realize I was grasping at air. It was all an illusion.

Recently, I finished a book by Rebekkah Lyons called Freefall to Fly. I think that's why I try to control things. I am afraid of the freefall that will inevitably happen if I just let go.

I am afraid to let the chips fall where they may. But, tonight, I've realized on a deeper level that growth never happens standing still. It happens in the tulmultous swinging of chaos. It happens deep beneath the surface where nothing can hinder the process. A seed's growth happens underground. You only know something has happened when stalks and leaves and buds appear.

Growth happens in uncharted waters. It happens when all plans are thrown out the window.

When I had multiple surgeries and years of prolonged sickness, I could not control what was happening to me. I shifted my focus to controling my enviroment. Picking the paint colors for my walls. Little things, but they meant so much to me.

Tonight, I am focusing on letting go. I have realized it's not a decision I have to make once a week. I have to make the choice to let go every day. When I feel myself getting anxious, it's more than likely because I'm trying to control something. I am now going to take a deep breath and remind myself to let go. I was not created to carry burdens. I am supposed to release them. Then and only then, can I be a better daughter, sister, aunt, and friend.

Do you have some things you need to let go of?

Daily Challenge: One Thing I Love About Myself

Day 6 of the Love Myself challenge. One thing I love about myself is I love people well. I try my best to encourage people and let them know I am there for them. 

What does it mean to love people well?

It means you love people differently, because no two people are the same. When I embrace a person's differences, it gives them the chance to truly be themselves. They might even embrace their quirkiness and start to love who they are. 

When I love them well, it's a two way street. They will start to draw things out of me that I didn't know I had. I will start to see myself and my gifts in a different light.

Loving people well means to be a pillar of support. A shoulder to lean on. Loving people well means creating an environment where people can be vulnerable. Vulnerable means leaving your facade at the door. It means being given the chance to be raw and real.

Loving people well means being there when life throws you into the deepest waters. Loving people well means you shine a light on hidden truths within the person. Things that they thought were buried, never to come to fruition.

Loving people well means asking hard questions...of yourself and others.
Loving people well means staying when it's messy and there are no simple answers.

Do you have someone in your life who loves you well? How do they do that?

Daily Challenge: One Thing I Love About Myself

Day 5 of the Love Myself Challenge. One thing I am thankful for is my body. While it may not move as easy as most people's, it gets me where I need to go.

I am thankful I can get out of bed every day. I'm thankful I can dress myself and brush my teeth. I am thankful I have arms and legs. Some people don't. I know several people who have a more severe form of cerebral palsy than me and they can't do anything for themselves.

They can't see. Some can't talk at all. I'm thankful for every day I see the sun come up in the morning. I am thankful I can hear the laughter of my niece and nephews.

I am thankful for the life I have. I get frustrated, sure, but I know it could be so much worse. I should have been a statistic. I shouldn't even be alive today, but I am ONLY because of the grace of God. I don't take that for granted.

I am so grateful for the life I've been given. I am so grateful for every opportunity I get to make someone smile.

I am grateful that my mind is intact and I can write and talk with people. I am grateful for every little thing that frustrates me because it means I am alive. 

Daily Challenge: One Thing I Love About Myself

Today is day 4 of the one thing I love about myself challenge. One thing I love about myself is my ability to live simply. I'm a person who is easy to please. I don't need a lot of material things to be happy.

Many people want the latest and greatest. They think that will fill that void. For me, you could give people a lot of stuff and they would still be empty on the inside.

When I live simply, it is freeing. It gives me the chance to love life more fully. I looked up the definition of simple and one the synonyms is uncomplicated. I like that perspective. I do try to live an uncomplicated life. I want my life and mind to be at peace, so I try to rid myself of any unneccessary things and/or drama.

What about you? What do you love about yourself? Do you live simply?

Daily Challenge: One Thing I Love About Myself

Today is day 3 of the Love Myself Challenge. One thing I love about myself is my creativity. I love that the thoughts in my head don't have to stay there. Writing and singing helps me to express myself when I can't do it another way.

Being creative helps me decompress from a stressful day. It helps me feel alive and gives me a way to connect with others.

I also love finding creative ways to make people smile.

Daily Challenge: One Thing I Love About Myself

Today is day two of the daily challenge of writing about one thing I love about myself. One thing I love about myself is my ability to empathize with others. Empathy isn't to be confused with sympathy. Sympathy is when you feel pity for someone. Empathy means I feel for other people who have walked similar paths to me.

I empathize with people who have had multiple hospital stays.
I empathize with people with disabilities.
I empathize with people in wheelchairs.
I empathize with people who deal with depression and anxiety.
I empathize with people and families who have gone through divorce.

 My heart goes out to them because I've been there. I know the struggle. Because of that, I try to offer encouragement and just listen.

Too many people talk these days. They talk and talk, telling everything they know. People rarely take the time to listen. And even more rare, people hardly ever listen to understand.

I want to listen to understand so I can grow as a person. I don't want to live life in a bubble.

What's one thing you love about yourself?

Daily Challenge: One Thing I Love About Myself

I'm finishing up the Live Original devotional book by Sadie Robertson. The one I read today said, "How are you going to love who God made you to be this week?'

I'm going to find one thing I love about myself each day. I think I will write about it here each day for a week.

One thing I love about myself is my determination. Some people even say I have a gift of determination. One thing is for sure. I don't know where I'd be if I wasn't determined.

I know I would still be bedbound and sick. Without determination, I wouldn't have graduated high school, let alone college.

Without determination, I wouldn't have overcome my many surgeries and seasons of physical therapy. Wthout determination, I'd be lost. I would have no motivation to try and work harder. Without determination, I would have settled for status quo living, never challeging myself or the limitations others tried to put on me.

I have gone through many trials with an unflinching determination. The things that were meant to break me only made me stronger. I have been through the fire, but instead of letting it consume me, it has purified me. It has given me clearer vision and a desire to help others. The fire has shaped my story. It has molded me into the person I am today.

My determination to not quit has only intensified the more I've endured. Like one of my surgeons said, "Most people who have gone through what you have would have already given up."

I'm not most people. What's one thing you love about yourself today?

Anchored

Take me back to the place of awe and wonder
Take me back to the place where I wasn't jaded
I wasn't cynical about places or people

Take me back to the place where I was free
Take me back to the time when all was right in the world

I am not looking for an anchor in a specific place
I am searching for the anchor within myself

Take me back to the time I was rooted and grounded
Where I wasn't swayed by every whisper or gesture

Take me back to a place of confidence
Take me into myself

Let me behold my true self
Let me see a reflection of purity

Not a mucky, blurry reality
Take me within

Help me block out the noise
Help me quiet my mind
And still my soul

And the echoes
Let the only echo I hear be one of truth

Take me back for a moment in time
Move me forward
Launch me forth as I regain myself

As I find my footing
And celebrate my voice

A website talked about the deeper meaning of an anchor which says, "It is a symbol demonstrating that a person is in tune with themselves and hold on to the values they believe in.

The Strength Within

When all the outside forces are pulling you in a million directions
Testing your patience and causing frustration

Day after day the pain lingers like an unwelcome visitor
I start to feel like a stranger in my own skin

But somewhere deep inside
I summon the strength within

The strength that says I won't stop
The strength that says I have too much too give
Don't silence me
Don't quit

Don't give into the voices that say "This is just the way it is. This is your reality now deal."

There's a fire deep in my bones
A knowing that this isn't how the story ends
I control the narrative

Not my body
Not my emotions

They flucuate like a rollercoaster
I get mad
I get tired

Sometimes I can barely move

Still I rise
Moment after moment
I refuse to let pain control me

I've seen God's hand in my life many times before
He's raised me up before and He's doing it again

Things may be really hard right now
But that just means the victory will be so much sweeter

Tendons pulling in
I pull back

I square my shoulders and dig my heels in
Because I control the narrative
Using the strength within