Monday, May 23, 2016

Freewriting Day 12: Sunburst Explosion

Everything was dark. Then, I spied a tiny yellow flower just beginning to bud. Its small leaves curled gently upward. It was such a stark contrast to the dreariness around it. I stopped and stared, enamored by its beauty. Awestruck by its strength.

This little flower reminded me of the saying, "Life goes on." Even if things are bad, they won't be that way forever. The light will shine again. Growth will continue. Messes will be made and cleaned up. People will be born and people will die. It is the cycle of life.

Stealing a second glance, I realized there were other flowers around the yellow beauty. It didn't take away from anything. I know that everything needs something supporting it to help it reach its fullest potential.

I am thankful for the sunburst explosion. I see myself as that flower. People may count me out. I may not be seen, but in the midst of all the pain, I am coming out. My roots are firmly in the ground. New life is springing forth all around. Poof. Bam. Pow. Things that I thought were taking forever are suddenly working themselves out.

Thank you to everyone who has contributed to my growth. Whether you've been a front-row supporter or just on the fringe. 

In the explosion of color that I saw, I had a moment of clarity. Everything else paled in comparison. I saw none of the rocks and dirt. No, this is my moment to shine.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Freewriting Day 11: Through the Eyes of Love

If I looked at you through the eyes of love, I would swallow my pride
If I looked at you through the eyes of love, I wouldn't judge
If I looked at you through the eyes of love, I would see all of your broken pieces

Love makes you whole
Love is unrelenting
Love covers

In my quest to really see you, I would see that my love wouldn't be enough
I'd have to mix it with grace and mercy

If I looked at you through the eyes of love, I would release all of the hurt
If I looked at you through the eyes of love, I would see that you did the best you could with what you had

If I looked at you through eyes of love, I wouldn't scrutinize everything
I wouldn't pick apart every word you ever said
If I looked at you through eyes of love, my own shortcomings would be revealed
I wouldn't be high on some pedestal; we'd be equal

I've done things I'm not proud of. I've let anger rule me instead of love.

If I looked at you through eyes of love, I'd tear down all the barriers
Break down every wall
If I looked at you through eyes of love, I would realize love just wants a way in
If I looked at you through eyes of love, I would be whole again

Love searches for the good
Love believes the best

Lord, help me to look at you through eyes of love
Help me to give love even when it hurts

Monday, May 16, 2016

Freewriting Day 10: Throw Away the Sticks

Recently, someone said something to me that wasn't true. They meant well in what they said, but it just wasn't true. I may be in a wheelchair, but I am still capable of doing things. If I can graduate high school with honors while on medicine and go to college (while still on medicine) and graduate with honors, I am physically fine. 

Actually, I am doing great. I am not where I was five years ago. I am not only nearly as much medicine. I am stronger physically and mentally.

Mama told me, "You just have to throw away the sticks." There's an old saying that goes, "Keep the hay and leave the sticks." It basically means to take all of the good things and leave the bad.

I choose to focus on the good things this person said and "throw away the sticks." They didn't even know they said anything wrong. I am not going to get distracted and let that comment derail me. I am on a path. I might not know exactly where I'll end up, but I trust God to help get me there.

If someone has said something to you that didn't sit well, don't dwell on it. Keep focused and keep moving forward!

Friday, May 13, 2016

Freewriting Day 9: Coming Home

To the ones who are dirty. Those who think they are out of reach of grace. They don't even try to hide what they have done. What's the use? It echoes in their mind, over and over. I am wretched. I don't deserve anything but pain.

Beat me. Whip me. Spit in my face. I deserve it. I won't turn away. Nothing you could do to me could be worse than the pain I carry every day.

You might see me in public and flinch. I don't want to be near him. I can't stand the sight of him. Is he human or just a pile of trash?

I am here. I am breathing. But I feel invisible. Scratch that. I wish I was invisible. I no longer feel my heart beating. It is just a faint thud. The pain of this life has consumed me.

I want to be rid of this weight. I am tired of living this way. It's the same routine day in and day out. I put on layers and layers hoping I can live. I am miserable this way.

I want to shed the guilt. I am tired of the shame. I want to let the healing balm touch me, but I am scared.

I have sat at this place long enough. I want to be free. I know it starts with the first step. I've made up my mind. I am going back to Father's House.

Nothing could have prepared me for the joy that flooded my soul. In my filthy rags, I felt unworthy. But from that first glance as I dared to look up, it was evident that I never stopped being His son.

No longer trudging forward in fear, I ran forward at a breakneck speed. I had a date with my destiny!

I was home. I am free. What are you waiting for? I know I am not the only one who has gone astray.

Love washed over me in ways that I never expected. No words were needed, but through the tears, Father whispered, "I've been waiting."