My 500 Words: A Writing Challenge - Day 22

Fear. I thought I had faced this unwelcome enemy many times before, but on August 3, 2017, I was dealt a blow that knocked the breath out of me. That was the day my mom was diagnosed with stage one breast cancer. This was a fear I had never known before.

It didn’t make sense. The diagnosis came out of nowhere, like a predator lying in wait to strike its prey at the moment it is least expected. Cancer is an enemy you can’t see. One minute my mom was healthy, able to do her job and whatever else she wanted to do. 

The next minute she was a cancer patient. Her calendar quickly filled up with doctor’s appointments. I didn’t know what to make of this. I was usually the one who needed to see a doctor. Mama was NEVER sick! The most serious thing she’d ever had since I was alive was kidney stones.

Well-meaning people started talking about her dying the very same day she was diagnosed. I wasn’t even thinking about that.  I was still dealing with the fact that she was sick, not what might happen.

But then, I was lying in bed at night a few days after she got the news and the thoughts crept in: “I haven’t even learned how to drive yet. Who will help take me places? Who will teach me to drive? If something does happen to Mama, how will I make it alone?” Fear and anxiousness kept me awake. Every time Mama coughed in her sleep, I asked, “Are you alright?” I just had a hard time processing the cold hard truth. My Mama had cancer and I didn’t like it one bit.

I wanted to fix it. I wanted to make it better, but there was nothing I could do. When the doctor said too much estrogen in her body caused her cancer and soy feeds on estrogen, I became paranoid. He said to avoid soy whenever possible. I started looking at labels. Soy is in everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Even vitamins, mayonnaise, crackers…you name it and soy is more than likely in it.

Once I came to terms with Mama’s new normal and that she was going to be okay after radiation treatments, fear gripped me. I’m 27. I was 26 at the time. I didn’t want cancer, but if it happened to Mama, it could happen to me.

I hate cancer. I hate that it destroys bodies. Mama knew I wanted to be there to support her through her appointments, but I didn’t have the strength to be at everyone. She said, “The best thing you can do for me is pray.” I said, “I don’t feel like that is much.” She said, “It’s more than most people do.”

I decided several months ago to not let fear win. I gave all my worries and fears to God. He has ALWAYS taken care of my family, and there was no reason He wouldn’t see us through this.