Separation

My body was there, but I retreated to a place of silence
Trying to make myself invisible
Trying to drown out the noise

There it was
A separation
A chasm
Close in body, but moving further and further away

Spiritually, mentally

Disconnected, wholly separate

An unwelcome visitor wedged its way in
Past the familiarities
Forget the pleasantries

It sit down heavily
Like a boulder teetering on the edge of a mountain
A mountain of pain
Simmering just below the surface
That superficial veneer threatened to crack with every breath

Things weren't different
They were just as messy as they have always been
That's when I was thankful I was different than them

Promises

In the fog, I see breakthrough

As the rainbow appears, I am reminded of The Promise

I am reminded of the I AM

Perfectly imperfect life

Perfectly imperfect people

The Promise never wavers

I cling to the promise that You are near

You will not leave me in this haze of confusion and despair

It may be for a moment

Or for a season

But I promise you won’t stay here

It is working in you a far greater good

More than attitudes and thoughts

I promise to make you more

This fire is meant to refine you

Mold you, transform you

Remake who you thought you were

I promised you a hope and a future

Don’t ever forget—

I am holding you

In your darkest hour

When you question why things are the way they are

I promise I am there

Hearing every word uttered from your mouth

The cries that ache from the depth of your being

I promise it is not wasted

Nothing is in vain

Keep forging ahead

Don’t draw back

For in the Promise you find safety

In the Promise you find strength

It might seem like you have been tossed from the boat

Into the unknown, past your comfort zone

I promise in that place there is growth 

And unending joy

That place is underneath your feet

Every step - although painful - is one step closer to victory

Trust the process.  Believe the promise!

You're There

Jesus, you are the hope I cling to 
When my world doesn't make sense
When it comes crashing in

You are there
Just like You've always been

I will rest in You
You are my refuge, my rescue

I will look to You
As everything else grows dim

I find You in the quietness of my soul
I feel You most when I let go
I hear when You don't say a word

You touch me when I am alone

Thank you for reminding that nothing has to make sense
It's okay if I don't understand
You said no mind can know what God has in store

So, I'll trust You in this ocean
I will follow You through the wilderness
Knowing You're not done with me yet

Empty Me

I lay myself on Your altar and say, “Here am I, Lord. Take me and use me. Make something out of me that is more than a pile of flesh. Inhabit me. Consume me. I am Yours. I surrender.

Once I was broken. Wounded by people. Cut by words said and unsaid. You healed me. You put the broken pieces back together. You mended me.

I confess there are still some areas of my heart that need mending. There are still some areas that are not whole. I don’t want to be a half-healed person.

I know You are not a halfway God. I know that You are faithful to Your Word. I know that You have started a good work in me and You will be faithful to complete it.

Empty me of my selfishness

Empty me of my pride

Empty me of the desire to have the last word, to prove I am right

Empty me of criticisms

You said, “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.”

Create in me a clean heart

I want to be pure

I don’t be full of hatred and bitterness

Anger and strife

Empty me of myself

So that You can dwell here

Empty me of my vanity

Empty me so I can clearly see

I want to see You fully 

Clothed in glory, strength, and power

I want to know Your wisdom

I want to comprehend Your ways

Know the depths of love

More than anything

Empty me so I can be filled

Empty me so I have something to give

Something of worth

Not riches or gold

Something that abides on the inside 

Forgiving Myself

Madison, I forgive you for wasting so much time

For going around in circles

Madison, I forgive you for fighting a battle that was never yours to begin with

Getting so wrapped in thoughts that you've neglected the present

You've been at a standstill

You've made yourself even more tired

I forgive you for being silent

You lost your voice for a time

You sank deeper in the mire

Fighting with yourself is utterly exhausting

Because you can't run away from yourself

Your thoughts are there

Your insecurities are there

There is no one there beating you up

You've done it to yourself

Madison, you are more than the lies the enemy tells

Madison, you hold the key to your freedom

Summon the strength within

The strength to fight the fight when life says, "Just quit."

You matter!
You are doing enough!

Believe in yourself
That is the difference between battles won and lost

Madison, there is more than what you see
There's more than what you feel

You can penetrate the noise
Rise up!

Freewriting Day 25: Breakthrough

You know my pain

You know my heartache

I'm comforted in the fact

That You have a plan that's greater than mine

There's no going back
No no

I've given up my need to be right
Pointing fingers and placing blame
No sense goin' in circles
When I can go forward

Things are changing
Shifting
That ceiling is breaking
I sense it

I've pushed
I've pressed
I've kept going' when I didn't have anything left

So yes, my pain has propelled me
My pain has launched
Just like You said

This thing I know
You can't move forward without somethin' breakin'

That thing that has held me back
Holds me no more
I am on the verge

On the verge of a breakthrough
Greater than I've ever known

I've tasted and seen that You are good
One thing I know for sure

You are faithful
Even to the end
All I gotta is hold on
My breakthrough is near

I endure
I stand
I keep pushin'
I know I win

Freewriting Day 22: In the Moment

Take in every moment. Soak up every second. Nothing is more beautiful than a child's heart. The innocence, the purity. It is soon lost.

I won't regret the time that I've spent

I won't take the back the words that's been said

The memories made, the love shared

Fills me up more than I dared to ask

A child's love is pure

It's untainted 

It's stronger than most things I've seen in life

It keeps giving no matter if you give back

It doesn't question

It is there

With open arms

With a longing to be shared

Between you 

Stop and listen if you dare

You don't need to be so busy

With the things of life

Emails can wait

Let the phone ring

Your child is there in front of you

But in the blink of an eye, that will change

One day you'll wonder where the time went

How did they go from a boy to man?

What were you doing?

Why didn't you see it?

Why couldn't you realize the precious thing you had?

Why didn't you make time?

Why did you ignore them?

Why did you give an endless stream of excuses?

None of that matters now

All the time wasted, all the memories that escaped

My children needed me

But I couldn't see what was in front of me

Freewriting Day 21: Why or Why Not?

Why do we dwell on the negative things?

Why do we hold it all in?

Each day is an opportunity to begin again

Why do we ponder the what ifs,

Letting the thoughts bounce around and take root in our head

Why do we allow worry to creep in,
Becoming a part of every conversation
I wonder if
I just don't know

Why can't we let go?
Why can't we trust?
Why can't we see through the fog that He is holding us?

He's never let us go
He's never let us fall
He won't start now

Why not smile?
Why not be happy?

Life is too short to be worried and full of fear
He said He's got you
Why can't you trust His plan for you?

Freewriting Day 20: An Honest Prayer

I don't want to just say words

I don't want to go through the motions

I don't wanna ask what would Jesus do

And not change

I am not satisfied

I need more

More of You to fill the empty places

Put me on the Potter's wheel

Mold me, make me

Shape me, break me

Until I'm more like You

More like You

I want to be like You in my thoughts

I want to be like You with my words

I need more 

Ordinary's not enough

Pull me in closer

Let Your fire consume me

Take away everything that's not of You

I need more grace

I need patience

I need wisdom

I'm through goin' 'round in circles

I'm through straddling the fence

I've decided this is the dividing line

I don't care what others think

I need more

I'm dying of thirst

I'm dying the way I am 

God, save me

Save me from myself

I know I've said that before

But it's a continual process

I don't know everything

And I never will

I've accepted that

I'm not goin' back

I'm all in

I've got nothin' to lose

And everything to gain

Lord, take me deeper than I've ever been before

I'm tired of this place

Tired of being stagnant

Tired of standing still

I know there's more

I'm all in

No more holding back

No more questioning

I need You more than anything

You gave Your best

Over and over You laid down everything

You didn't care about comfort

You didn't care about fame

You didn't seek out praise or the accolades of man

You gave Your life 

So the least I can do is give You mine

Freewriting Day 19: Tangled Web

Just a reminder. Freewriting is when you just write. There is no set way to do it. This DOES NOT mean that my writing is free to be taken by others. I want to make that clear.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave

That was a Shakespeare tragedy

Now it is your reality.

All of the lies and cover ups

Have buried you

Gone are the comforts you had grown accustomed to

Why did you push that boundary?

Why did you cross that line?

Did you really think "I can get by with it this time?"

What happened to you?

What kind of sick, twisted fantasy did you have?

So many questions left hanging in the air.

Do you even know yourself?

Maybe you stopped caring,

Maybe you felt alone.

I hope that cheap thrill was worth it because now you are caught.

You can't run away.

You can't escape the stares.

Worst of all, you can't escape yourself.

I know you are probably replaying every scene,

Wishing and hoping it's all a bad dream.

Sadly, truth is stranger than fiction
I wish this wasn't the end.
So final.

You fell hard
Nothing beneath to catch your fall

Time, time, time
The minutes tick by so slowly
You don't want to face the truth
You want to erase the pain
Please, someone banish the shame

Freewriting Day 18: Awaken Me

Awaken me so that I can see

Awaken my senses so that I can feel

I am tired of thinking what I've seen is real

Nothing is normal

Awaken me to the reality 

Open me so that I can be clean

I've been blind

I've been chained

Confined to what I think is right

Bound by my own shame

Reveal the real

Reveal my inward parts

Get to the root

Get to my heart

Is it still beating?

Is it full of life?

Sometimes I wonder if it's just pumping because that's its function

I want to live

I want to be free

Awaken me

Awaken me

Awaken me from my slumber

Shake me from my stupor

Show me who is real

Show me what's worth living for

Freewriting Day 5: Take Me Back

Take me back to the place before the guilt and shame

Take me me back to the time my heart was tender

Take me back to the place before I was deceived by the lies

Take me back 

Take me back to the time when I was open

Before I was closed off

Before I put up walls

Take me back to the time when things were simple

Wish I could play some days over and over again

Take me back to the time when I was free

Nothing holdin' me

Take me back

Take me back 

Pull me in

Into the deep waters of life again

Take me back to the life of the livin'

Where we gave more than we took

Holding hands and helping each other

Smiling, laughing

Loving tenderly

Take me back to the time I knew myself

Before the mirror got murky

Before the joy dissipated from me

Take me back

I never want to leave

I want to put down roots that can't be shaken

I'm tired of running

Tired of running from myself

Not sure what I've been looking for

But I didn't find it

Not in fame

Not in fortune

Not in fairytales

Take me to the place where hope abides

Take me to the place where love springs forth

I wanna be better

I wanna know myself more

Take me back

The Child Within

This is a poem about my youngest nephew, Bryson. He's not one who likes to be cuddled. This is a moment in time I don't want to forget.

Time stood still

The day you wanted to play

We'd played before, but this time was different,

Excitement knocking at the door

Your gaze said, "Will you play? Just for a little while?"

I was all too happy to oblige.

A simple game of finding each other.

Up, back.

Now you see me, now you don't.

Your laughter rang out that afternoon.

My room was no longer just a room.

It was filled with the energy from you and me,

Bursting through the monotony

Giving me a much needed break from the routine.

Each time you laughed, it seemed to grow

Bubbling up from your core

In a moment, you let go

Boisterous laughing that made me stop in my tracks

What was that?

I was transported to my childhood,

Oh, to be free like that again

When you grinned and all of your tiny teeth showed,

I wanted to freeze time

So, I could hold that moment forever

Time marches on

But I will always be thankful for those moments and memories created by laughter

In harmony

Someone who Cares

I hear the longing in your voice

Wishing for former days.

Those days when you were agile, quick, and giving.

Those times when you knew you made a difference.

A little smile or a hug made all of your worries fade away.

You didn't think about the long hours,

Or the toll your work took on your body.

You did it because you care.

You did it because you knew you could help make people better.

Now, things have changed.

You are lonely.

No longer able to move as quick.

You seemed to have lost your sense of purpose,

Your mind is filled with thoughts of what was,

Unable to grasp what is.

I hate this unwelcome visitor has robbed you of your health,

But I will always be here

I will always care.

Though we might be separated by distance

We are a kindred spirit.

You and I keep the light burning bright for each other

When I was down, you gave me hope.

It's my turn to do the same for you.
You didn't cease to matter the day you could no longer practice medicine.

You became my friend, my supporter, a shoulder to lean on.
I will be a listening ear.
I am someone who cares.

You are not alone.
Think of me when the time drags on.

Think of me when you are tired.
Think of me in the silence.
You are irreplaceable.

The Fight

Woman Jogging Blur © Ariel da Silva Parreira via freeimages.com 

Every day is a fight.

My mind is made up. I will not quit.

I don't care how bad the pain is.

I am the victor.

I will overcome.

God's grace is more than enough.

My body will do what I say.

It has to move when I say, "Move!"

I am not going back.

Just as God said a few months ago, "My pain will not stop me. It will propel me. It will launch me."

My spirit is going forward and my body has NO choice but to follow.

No more slowing down.

It's time to fight.

Gloves are off.

Lights are down.

It is me against myself.

I know the negative thoughts.

That voice says, "Look at how many times you've fallen. You won't get back up this time."

There's something deeper.

Something the naked eye can't see.

I have a spirit of determination that won't be quenched.

Try to quell the fire inside,

And it just burns brighter.

Iron sharpens iron.

Every trial makes me stronger.

I will win.

Cerebral palsy will not define me or what I will become.

I will do what others say can't be done.

It is a long road, but every step brings me closer to victory.

I can see it.

Standing tall.

No more obstacles, no more limits.

Now is the time.

Tears on My Napkin

© Tammy Sanders

Today, I saw your face. 

I have many times before, but this time your face was crystal clear to me. 

I could see all of the hurt. The weariness in your eyes. 

I could tell you are tired of fighting.

Tired of fighting with yourself.

Tired of believing the lies you've been told.

Over and over, they weigh you down.

You lose your tall stature. Your vision. Your hopes. Your dreams.

Even though you were not in my presence, I prayed for you.

I prayed you would let down those walls you have built,

I prayed you would let love in.

I know it's hard to trust.

The pain must be a heavy burden to bear.

But, today I prayed that you would see what God sees in you.

That you would see what I see.

The truth is you are a leader. You have so much to give.

You will overcome. One day, you will be able to forgive.

As I prayed, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing.

I found a napkin tucked into my book.

I gently dabbed my eyes as the tears fell, and then I looked.

The napkin was no longer pristine and pressed.

It was wrinkled and indented from the tears of my prayer.

So, though I am not with you,

I hope one day you know my prayers carried you.

The napkin is a reminder that someone cares. 

As I prayed for you, I was reminded of words I said.

I prayed for forgiveness for those hurtful words.

I should have been encouraging. I should have lifted you up.

I didn't do that then. But I let go of my own hurt.

I saw my own wretchedness.

As you go on your way, I pray God's arms surround you,

I pray His light gets brighter no matter the chaos.

Remember, He is waiting. He's only one prayer away, my friend.

In my Skin

For a long time, I was not comfortable in my skin.

I was too tall, too thin,

I just did not fit in.

One day, I told a close friend that I was ugly,

She said, "I better never hear you say that again."

When I got sick, the feeling was compounded.

My smile never left, but the fire inside of me was quenched.

I didn't look healthy.

I was frail and thin because of health issues.

But the thing that I had to fight the most wasn't my body, it was the thoughts within.

Would the agony ever end?

Since that day, I have been on a journey to love myself in my skin.

Not changing with every fad,

Not wearing much makeup.

I prefer cardigans and tanks to mini dresses.

I have never wanted to be the center of attention.

I finally love me for me,

In spite of what I've said and done.

Now when I look at myself in the mirror,

I am content.

I know I will never be like the images in magazines.

That's okay.

I am imperfectly me.

Broken and scarred.

Stronger and wiser.

I am an overcomer.

For those young women who aren't happy with their reflection in the mirror, it is true. There will never be anyone like you. Stand out! Be proud of who you are and don't waste time picking out every little flaw. It's not worth it.

Some Peaches Make It, Some Don't

With spring comes new life,

Old things die off.

The grass is green and the flowers bloom,

But I may not share my peaches with you.

Peaches and me go way back.

Down on a country road,

They were lined up in rows.

Mama pruned and plucked,

Leaving only the best branches.

After waiting, those glorious peaches 

Delighted my soul.

So when we moved,

And had to leave them behind,

I was mad!

No more peach ice cream,

Freshly churned.

We didn't eat the store bought stuff, no sir!

Years passed and our yard was bare.

No fruit trees laden with buds.

No promise of brighter days.

But, one day, Mama planted some new peach trees!

Our summers were filled with the sweet aroma.

My stomach was content once more.

Suddenly, Mama looked outside.

One day, the peach tree didn't thrive.

A hole was in the trunk, so black. So dark.

If you pressed on it, the trunk creaked under the pressure.

The roots were visible from the surface, no longer producing life.

The tree was just standing there.

A reminder of what once was.

Some people are like that peach tree.

At one time you were vibrant, full, and free.

Growing and reaching for greater heights,

Aiming for the light.

Life happens,

Your heart grows cold,

You feel that you are not vital anymore.

In that time, your stability weakens.

The place that once gave you strength you abandon.

Recoiling and shrinking further,

You have lost your passion.

Dust to dust,

Ashes to ashes,

Will you accept the lie that you never mattered?

Can You See?

Do you believe?

Do you see what I see?

Despite the condition of this world, I believe in purity.

I believe in truth.

I believe in goodness.

Do you?

Have you become so jaded,

The life has been drained out of you?

Do you believe in a world of opportunity,

Do you think that it is as it should be?

I don't think the world sees what I see.

I see wholeness. 

I see life.

Sprouting every direction, amidst all the lies.

Some said we would never unite,

Always be separated,

I believe that can change.

I hear one voice.

I hear a roar.

Some won't be silenced,

Some come out of the cloud of shame.

I applaud you,

Look at the courage you've gained.

I believe in miracles,

I know all things are possible.

I believe in giving,

And doing what's right,

I believe in a love so deep,

It could split the world open wide.

If we could only come together,

If we could only.... see.

Looking past the outside, then we could truly believe.

Believe in better people.

No longer bound up by lies.

Getting rid of prejudice, don't you think it's time?

Examine yourself.

Why do you say the things you say?

What do you believe?

What made you this way?

Can you see it?

See what I am saying.

It won't be easy. It requires brutal honesty.

What I see is what I value,

We need a shift in perspective,

Go in a different direction.

Help me to see truth.

Help me to have vision.

Boundaries be gone.

All limits are off.

Change can only come when I quit hiding behind traditions.