The Longest Goodbye

This is what I said it felt like when describing what we have gone through with my grandmother. For four years, we've watched her slip away. First, it was crippling anxiety and panic attacks. Second, it was her losing the ability to drive. Third was bedsores that became open wounds. Next, it was her getting up out of bed and falling and breaking a few vertebrae in her back. After that, it was her becoming bedridden. Now, it's hard for her to communicate clearly. She also has some trouble swallowing.

We've felt all of the emotions of grief. When my Papa finally decided to let Hospice come in and help, the nurses thought several times she was going to pass away in a matter of days. All of the family came in to say goodbye.

She didn't pass away like they thought she would. She's been on Hospice for almost nine months. I miss my Granny coming to visit me. Even though we live within walking distance, I still miss her coming to check on me. Now, the tables have turned and I get on my electric scooter to go check on her and my Papa.

I miss her smile. This sickness has taken away her ability to smile. I miss her being healthy. She always said she wanted to lose some weight, but she never wanted it to go like this.

I miss her funny jokes. One time she wore some black glasses with a big fake nose. I kept them because they remind me of her.

I miss seeing her work in the garden. Every year, my Papa plants tomatoes, sweet potatoes, okra green beans, and corn. Granny would always help him pick the food and then spend all day in the kitchen canning it so they could have fresh vegetables for winter. She made the BEST green beans and corn! Now, my Papa still does a garden, it's just smaller.

When my Memaw died, it was a shock. I felt like I didn't get to say all the things I wanted to. She was ripped from our lives due to COVID. No one was prepared for her death because she was healthy. It was a short goodbye, and I am still grieving her loss.

With my Granny, I've gotten more time. I said when she got sick, "I wish I had come down here more when the kids were little and she cooked all kinds of surprises for them." So, since I have the gift of time, I make time to go down there once every few weeks, even when I am in excruciating back pain because I don't want to have any regrets. I don't remember if I told my Memaw I loved her before she passed, so I made sure to tell my Granny.

I wish I could hug her, but clasping her hands will have to do because I can't reach over the bed while I'm in my scooter without falling over. The main concern I have is not hurting my Granny. She's so fragile now. 

This morning, my Granny met Jesus. I will love her forever.