I Will Not Be Moved

I'm tired. Tired of the struggle day after day. I feel like I'm in the in between space of growth and everything that led me to this point.

I wish I was never in the wheelchair. Getting out of it for good is one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I am determined to do it. Even if that means crying while doing my exercises. 
I haven't given up, but I am tired. I need God's breath to breathe on me again. 

This isn't meant to be a depressing post, but just an honest account of where I'm at.
To win the mental battle, I have to constantly celebrate the small victories. Just the other day, I walked 7 times instead of 6 in my hallway at home.

I'm challenging myself to do more and go further. I told my mom, "It seems like I have such a long way to go to get to where I want to be." She always reminds me, "Look at how long you were down for." I was bedridden 2-3 years, but I've been in the wheelchair for almost 14 years.

I just have to steel my shoulders and plant my feet firmly on the ground. I refuse to be moved by how I feel. I refuse to be moved by what I see. 

Don't Look Down!

For about a year and a half, God has been saying to me, “Don’t look down!” I haven’t always been in a wheelchair. When I was a child and a teenager, I walked. Ever since I’ve had to use a walker, I’ve had a habit of looking down when doing various tasks.

Twice this week, God has told me to not look down. Once through Pastor Jason’s sermon and again through a devotional I’m reading.

My devotional said, “When you’re looking down, all you can see is what’s down. It limits your perspective and lowers your expectations.”

I choose to look up! Kenneth Hagin has a message on persistent faith and he says, “See yourself doing what you can’t do.”

I see myself walking
I see myself running
I see myself jumping
I see myself driving

I see my left knee straight and not turned in
I see my left leg the same length as my right

This is what it looks like to walk by faith. You have to see it in the spirit realm before it will ever manifest in the natural.

I am making a conscious effort to hold my head up. All things are possible to those who believe!

Daily Challenge: One Thing I Love About Myself

Day 5 of the Love Myself Challenge. One thing I am thankful for is my body. While it may not move as easy as most people's, it gets me where I need to go.

I am thankful I can get out of bed every day. I'm thankful I can dress myself and brush my teeth. I am thankful I have arms and legs. Some people don't. I know several people who have a more severe form of cerebral palsy than me and they can't do anything for themselves.

They can't see. Some can't talk at all. I'm thankful for every day I see the sun come up in the morning. I am thankful I can hear the laughter of my niece and nephews.

I am thankful for the life I have. I get frustrated, sure, but I know it could be so much worse. I should have been a statistic. I shouldn't even be alive today, but I am ONLY because of the grace of God. I don't take that for granted.

I am so grateful for the life I've been given. I am so grateful for every opportunity I get to make someone smile.

I am grateful that my mind is intact and I can write and talk with people. I am grateful for every little thing that frustrates me because it means I am alive. 

Daily Challenge: One Thing I Love About Myself

Today is day two of the daily challenge of writing about one thing I love about myself. One thing I love about myself is my ability to empathize with others. Empathy isn't to be confused with sympathy. Sympathy is when you feel pity for someone. Empathy means I feel for other people who have walked similar paths to me.

I empathize with people who have had multiple hospital stays.
I empathize with people with disabilities.
I empathize with people in wheelchairs.
I empathize with people who deal with depression and anxiety.
I empathize with people and families who have gone through divorce.

 My heart goes out to them because I've been there. I know the struggle. Because of that, I try to offer encouragement and just listen.

Too many people talk these days. They talk and talk, telling everything they know. People rarely take the time to listen. And even more rare, people hardly ever listen to understand.

I want to listen to understand so I can grow as a person. I don't want to live life in a bubble.

What's one thing you love about yourself?

Daily Challenge: One Thing I Love About Myself

I'm finishing up the Live Original devotional book by Sadie Robertson. The one I read today said, "How are you going to love who God made you to be this week?'

I'm going to find one thing I love about myself each day. I think I will write about it here each day for a week.

One thing I love about myself is my determination. Some people even say I have a gift of determination. One thing is for sure. I don't know where I'd be if I wasn't determined.

I know I would still be bedbound and sick. Without determination, I wouldn't have graduated high school, let alone college.

Without determination, I wouldn't have overcome my many surgeries and seasons of physical therapy. Wthout determination, I'd be lost. I would have no motivation to try and work harder. Without determination, I would have settled for status quo living, never challeging myself or the limitations others tried to put on me.

I have gone through many trials with an unflinching determination. The things that were meant to break me only made me stronger. I have been through the fire, but instead of letting it consume me, it has purified me. It has given me clearer vision and a desire to help others. The fire has shaped my story. It has molded me into the person I am today.

My determination to not quit has only intensified the more I've endured. Like one of my surgeons said, "Most people who have gone through what you have would have already given up."

I'm not most people. What's one thing you love about yourself today?

The Strength Within

When all the outside forces are pulling you in a million directions
Testing your patience and causing frustration

Day after day the pain lingers like an unwelcome visitor
I start to feel like a stranger in my own skin

But somewhere deep inside
I summon the strength within

The strength that says I won't stop
The strength that says I have too much too give
Don't silence me
Don't quit

Don't give into the voices that say "This is just the way it is. This is your reality now deal."

There's a fire deep in my bones
A knowing that this isn't how the story ends
I control the narrative

Not my body
Not my emotions

They flucuate like a rollercoaster
I get mad
I get tired

Sometimes I can barely move

Still I rise
Moment after moment
I refuse to let pain control me

I've seen God's hand in my life many times before
He's raised me up before and He's doing it again

Things may be really hard right now
But that just means the victory will be so much sweeter

Tendons pulling in
I pull back

I square my shoulders and dig my heels in
Because I control the narrative
Using the strength within

Book Review: The Awakening of HK Derryberry by Jim Bradford

The Awakening of HK Derryberry by Jim Bradford is a book about a little boy named HK who is blind and has cerebral palsy. His grandmother, Pearl, is raising him on her own after an unfortunate tragedy took the life of his mother. With no one to help care for him, Pearl is forced to bring him to work with her a few days a week. He sits in the diner, hunched over a radio listening to preachers. Most people never do more than glance in his direction. His life is forever changed when Jim Bradford, an older man with a seemingly perfect life, comes into Mrs. Winner’s diner for coffee.

These two strike up an unlikely friendship, filled with laughter, love, and countless adventures. HK doesn’t see himself as handicapped; he does things his way. Unlike most people, HK makes even the simplest moments extraordinary.

His zest for life and positive attitude are infectious. Young and old are infatuated by his ability to remember things - even the smallest details of things that happened years ago, yet it quickly turns as he weaves his way into their hearts.

As HK said, “I remember the negative things, but I don’t dwell on them because they are just history. I think about all the good stuff.”

The description of the book immediately caught my eye. As someone with cerebral palsy, I could relate to some of his struggles. This book was intriguing and inspiring on so many levels. If my life could have a fraction of the impact that HK has had on those around him, I will be happy.

I was also struck by the number of people who rally around Pearl, Mr. Bradford, and HK to support him in every way possible. From teachers who are doggedly determined to help him reach his full academic potential, to store owners, coaches, and celebrities, they all make HK’s life special. It is truly a story of finding joy in the journey and proof that life’s greatest blessings come when you give yourself away to others.

I would recommend this book to everyone without hesitation. It is one of the best books I’ve read in long, long time!

** This book was provided to me by Harper Collins in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own.

My Wow Moment

A couple of months ago, I went on an adventure. I wasn't expecting to, but I am so glad I did.

Someone told my mom about Duke's Creek Falls. I knew from researching it that it was a short hike. We were told it had a wide path that would easily accommodate my wheelchair.

Mama and I started off toward the trail. It was paved. Then, as the paved part ended, I heard Mama say, "There's steps." Sure enough, there were steps. Mama told someone on the trail that I wouldn't be able to do it.

A man asked, "Do you want to go on down? I can get Corey to carry her." The man (Michael's dad) and his family started yelling, "COREY! COREY!" He had already run ahead of them.

A few minutes passed. Corey came back to the beginning of the trail. Michael's dad told him that I wanted to go on down.

"Do you think I could walk the steps, Mama?" I asked.

"Let me count them and see. If it's a lot you won't be able to do it." It was about eight steps and then another set farther down. As Corey and my mom counted the steps, Mama told him that I had never seen a waterfall up close. I've never got to go on the trail with Mama because most trails aren't wheelchair accessible. He said, "Well, today's her day!"

Corey and Micheal picked up my wheelchair. We went down front ways, which usually makes me nervous because I feel like I am going to fall forward.

Both boys were steady as a rock. "They know what there doing!" Normally, people are shaky when picking up my wheelchair. For the first time ever, I didn't feel like I was going to fall forward. Believe it or not, I was smiling!

Mama said, "I need you boys in my back pocket!"

We continued on in our quest. Michael's dad acted as a spotter each time, and when we would reach the bottom, I would breathe a small sigh of relief.

Corey said, "I wanted a workout today!"

"Well, you've got one!"

"Good!"

About midway through, we started seeing more people on the trail. Questions like, "How did you get down here" and looks of surprise started coming.

I took great pleasure in telling them, "I had some help from some friends."

One lady wasn't so nice. "There are rocks and roots toward the bottom of the trail. She can't make it down there."

Maggie, the daughter, said, "No, she can do anything!"

I didn't quite hear all of the conversation, so I asked her what the lady said. When she told me, my response was "Yeah, I can!"

The last set of steps were the steepest and the most we'd done. They decided to take me down backwards.

Everyone was getting tired. Part of me thought, "Do we need to stop and pray first?"

Before we started down, I took a deep breath. Mama said, "Don't look down." I didn't plan on it.

With each step, I just silently prayed that neither boys would lose their footing.

After we mastered all of the steps, Corey, Michael, his dad and the rest of the group went on ahead to go to the waterfall.

I knew it was a lot to help me and it takes me longer to do things, so I told them we would catch up.

While walking the trail, I got a chance to talk with Diane, who was a special education teacher and one of the nicest people ever.

She said, "We weren't even coming here today. We were looking for another waterfall. We normally go the beach this time of year, but we didn't.

She also told me that Corey and Michael have a friend who is in a wheelchair. They regularly take him to do things, even waterfalls. So that explained it! No wonder they were so steady and knew what to do!

I can't forget about the little things Corey and Michael did. There was a rock in the way. Mama told me to watch out for it while pushing myself. Without missing a beat, Corey picked it up and tossed it out of the way.

Mama was concerned my arms were getting tired from pushing so much, so she offered to do it for awhile. I said, "Don't get me too close to the edge." Michael's dad said, "We've got you this far. We're not going to let anything happen to you."

After maneuvering over roots and going up and over when Mama said to, Michael's dad said, "Corey, why don't y'all just pick her up?" So Corey and Michael each grabbed one side of the wheelchair and lifted me up over the roots.

Mama said, "You're like the Queen of Sheba!
I laughed and said, "I know!"

While I was in mid-air, I heard a dog bark. Corey was closest to it. As we got closer, I thought the dog might bite him. He said, "If it would have tried that, I would've kicked it off the side of the mountain!"

Michael's dad said Corey wanted to know if I was okay with him carrying me on the way back up. "Sure, I'm fine with that!"

I knew I would be much lighter, so it wouldn't be as much of a struggle for him.

He picked me up and off we went. He went up the stairs much quicker than I thought. I tried to tell Mama and the others that he said we were going to go on, but they couldn't hear me. I looked back over his shoulder and smiled at Mama. We had beat everyone else!

Corey stopped to make sure Michael was okay. About that time, I saw Michael sling my wheelchair over his back like it was nothing.

Everything about that day was a WOW moment. These people didn't have to take time out of their day to help me. They did not even know me! I have thought back over that day several times since then, and  I can't do anything but smile. Those memories will stay with me for a lifetime.

Seeing the waterfall was great, but it was more about the experience. Corey, Michael, Diane and family made this possible. Without them, I wouldn't have been able to do it. Thank you for being WILLING to help me. I honor you.

Another Person's Perspective

Someone asked me, "When (with emphasis) are you going to drive?"

"I don't know" was my response.

"Well, what do you do all day?"

I told her, but nothing I said was good enough.

When I said I was walking, she asked, "How much?"

She proceeded to tell me about a paralyzed person who lives by herself and was doing a road trip.

"There's so much more to life than these four walls, " she said. "You are limiting yourself."

As if that weren't enough, she said, "You've just got to want to."

What the woman didn't know was I had a very painful morning. It had taken hours to get my body in a good place. I wasn't in the mood to fight. I didn't have the energy or mental focus to respond.

Now I would say, "What does it matter to you what I do all day? Why do you have to be so negative? Driving isn't an end all be all thing. I have to learn to walk again before I can think about driving."

I do want to do more. I strive to do that every day. I have goals. I help other people. I am creative. I know that I am not limiting myself. I know there are multiple ways to do things in life. Just because I don't do things just like everyone else doesn't mean I am not making a difference.

She said she was so impressed with that paralyzed woman because she had never seen anyone in her condition do all that. 

I am thankful for every person who overcomes the odds. My situation is different, though. I am not paralyzed. I feel more than anyone knows. If you haven't lived in my body, you don't know what I go through and what I have overcome.

Like a friend told me, "Anyone can walk, but few people ever go anywhere."

You can have unlimited potential and never take advantage of everything life has to offer because you are in a prison and don't know it. Being in bondage to your thoughts can be much worse than a physical disability.

* Please don't ask who said this. Just know that life is real and you have to deal with people who don't understand what you deal with.

Freewriting Day 24: Finding Shoes with Feet Issues

Earlier this week, I received a new pair of shoes. I waited for them expectantly, excited that the shoe I had talked about for years and said someone should make was not only a reality, but that it might for me!

I've written a post here called "In my Shoes," and I talk about how cerebral palsy has always made it hard for me to find shoes and nearly impossible to find cute ones. Enter Naot shoes. They are made in Israel. And they are made out of leather! I usually NEVER can wear leather, especially with my foot surgeries now.

As soon as Mama opened the box, they were cute! Really cute! They are a cross between a shoe and a sandal (with a back, which means my heel lift wouldn't slip out). "What if I ordered the wrong size? What if they didn't fit?" I said. I am always a bit skeptical trying on new shoes because it really is a hit or miss with me.

"The only way to find out is to try them on," Mama said.

The right one went on with no problems. The left one was tight. I wasn't even sure Mama could get it on my foot, even though I ordered one size up from my normal size to accommodate for swelling. She got it on. 

"I just don't know if these will work! You told me to order the more expensive pair!" I said. I was mad. "If I didn't have to wear a heel lift! If my feet didn't swell!" Mama took the shoes off. As I looked at the shoes and the box they came in, that familiar feeling of disappointment washed over me. As tears threatened to bubble up to the surface, I tamped down my emotions. I didn't want to cry over another pair of shoes. So, I was going back to my room. "The only way to know if they'll work is to wear them," Mama said.

I let her put them back on, and I wore them for an hour. 

I called Mama and told her they hurt wearing them while sitting in my wheelchair. "Lay on the bed with them on until I get back. If they are going to make marks on your feet, it won't matter if you are lying down or not." I agreed to do that.

"It's just disappointing that they may not work," I said.

"I'd rather be disappointed now than have them cause pain with my feet later." Mama said. She always knows just what to say.

I thought they might cause problems, but I wanted to try them. "Don't give up. Thomas Edison failed numerous times on the light bulb, but it only took one time to get it right. We'll just keep trying different styles and sending them back until we find one that works!" Mama said.

With the pain I felt, I was sure there would be redness. To my surprise, there was none. I could hardly believe it! There were marks from the two straps that go across the top of each foot. Marks all the way across the foot that reminded me my feet aren't like other people's. That is why I didn't let myself cry, but I realize now that I should have let those emotions out. A post from Vickie Bowman and wise words from my Aunt Sherrie saying "Feel what you feel when you feel  it!" came back to me.

I hate the fact I have a thickness across the top of my feet that makes it difficult to find shoes. It was difficult when I wore leg braces, and it is difficult now for different reasons.

"I'm going to wear them tomorrow just to see if I can make (my feet) red!" I declared. Maybe, just maybe I wouldn't have to send these back.

I wore them for twenty minutes the next day, and the bony part of my big toe was red. My leg had red and purple splotches.  Not to mention the aching pain I felt on the big toe that I had fused through surgery. It wasn't worth making my foot pain worse. I knew I had to send them back.

I will say that Naot has an EXCELLENT footbed. I have never tried a shoe with a more comfortable footbed. A person from Naot's product development team emailed me yesterday in response to a question I'd asked them a few weeks ago about the shoe, so I was able to tell her what I liked and didn't like about the shoe. If not for those straps across the top, I am convinced that would have been my perfect shoe.

Things are Hard

Struggle © Michael Kaufmann via freeimages.com

Where has my motivation gone?

I feel a heaviness. It comes and goes. I'm not thinking negative thoughts now. I think I'm having a hard time just being. I like to do things. I like to know that I am accomplishing something. Lately, even though I am doing things, it feels as if I am slogging through mud.

This season of life is different. I need to be content. Things are just hard. It's hard because I can't seem to get my thoughts down on paper. The words are there, but instead of them freely flowing, it's like they are suspended.

I feel fatigued. Little things that shouldn't be bothering me are bothering me. I'll have a pretty good morning and feel drained in the afternoon.

My youngest nephew, Bryson, wanted me to come with him on the bridge when the boys were playing outside. I couldn't come because I was sitting in the golf cart. I didn't have my wheelchair. It hurt, but it is also motivation. I am going to be able to walk again without any assistance. Everything that I am doing now, every little exercise, every extra step, is making me stronger.

I know that God hasn't brought me this far to leave me. Every day isn't easy. This is just where I have been lately. Maybe it will help someone else to know that. I haven't written anything because I haven't been able to. As Mandisa says in her song, Stronger, 

"The pain ain't gonna last forever

And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger."

In Competition with Myself

I'm doing much better physically and mentally.

It doesn't matter about the small stuff. I am looking at the big picture. I am not always going to be in a wheelchair. I am stretching myself a little bit more each week. I am making progress. 

If you aren't seeing results, stop. Just stop for a minute. Quiet your thoughts. Look around. Are you closer to your goal than you were a month ago? If the answer is yes, that means something.

Michelangelo didn't paint the Sistine Chapel in a day. It took time to complete the task. Instead of saying, "I wish I could run _____ of miles, or do ______ amount of sit ups..." Focus on what you are doing. Doing a little bit of something is better than a whole lot of nothing.

My Granny told me that every movement I make is something. I've tried to remember that. I am reminding myself of that today. Every few steps that I make are getting me closer to my goal. Every step I take is making me stronger. Sure, I can't see bulging calf muscles yet, but underneath my skin, my muscles are firing and getting stronger. When you've been down as long as I have, it takes time to get back up!

I realized something today. I am not in competition with anyone. I am in competition with myself. I've known it to an extent, but I really GOT it today! How much farther can I push myself today? What other exercises can I do that I forgot about?  To win this battle, I am encouraging myself. 

This morning I read something, and it caused me to worry. I felt myself getting emotional. Some of those same thoughts tried to creep in, but I recognized it. I said, "No! I will NOT waste another second thinking about this." I can't go back and change all of those years that I wasn't able to be very mobile or active. I can do something about today. The ones who win are the ones who keep getting back up. I am celebrating where I am right now and looking to the future. It is bright, friends! 

The Fight

Woman Jogging Blur © Ariel da Silva Parreira via freeimages.com 

Every day is a fight.

My mind is made up. I will not quit.

I don't care how bad the pain is.

I am the victor.

I will overcome.

God's grace is more than enough.

My body will do what I say.

It has to move when I say, "Move!"

I am not going back.

Just as God said a few months ago, "My pain will not stop me. It will propel me. It will launch me."

My spirit is going forward and my body has NO choice but to follow.

No more slowing down.

It's time to fight.

Gloves are off.

Lights are down.

It is me against myself.

I know the negative thoughts.

That voice says, "Look at how many times you've fallen. You won't get back up this time."

There's something deeper.

Something the naked eye can't see.

I have a spirit of determination that won't be quenched.

Try to quell the fire inside,

And it just burns brighter.

Iron sharpens iron.

Every trial makes me stronger.

I will win.

Cerebral palsy will not define me or what I will become.

I will do what others say can't be done.

It is a long road, but every step brings me closer to victory.

I can see it.

Standing tall.

No more obstacles, no more limits.

Now is the time.

Encourage Yourself

When I am going through a tough situation or having intense pain, I get two choices. I can wallow around and talk about how bad things are, or I can focus on something else.

For those who may not know what to do when trouble comes, I thought I would share some of the ways I encourage myself.

Here are some Scriptures that I think on and say whenever I feel pain:

1 Peter 2:24 says, "He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.”
Psalms 103:2-3 says, "Bless the Lord, O my soul,

And forget not all His benefits:
Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases."
I encourage myself by saying that God is my Healer. He is my life giver. He is my miracle worker, my personal surgeon, and my refuge.

I encourage myself by saying that if God is for me, who can be against me? I say that the same power that raised Jesus from the dead is working in my body, healing me now, and driving out ALL traces of weakness and pain.

I encourage myself with these reminders:

Ephesians 6:16 says, "I can quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one with my shield of faith."

Galatians 3:13: "I am redeemed from the curse of sin, sickness, and poverty."

Colossians 2:12, Ephesians 2:6: "I am raised up with Christ and seated in heavenly places."

Some other things I say to encourage myself are: I am more than a conqueror. I don't care what I feel like or what I see, I believe I am healed. I always triumph in Christ. He ALWAYS gives me the victory! He who has begun a good work in me is faithful to complete it. He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all I could ask or think.

When I get through saying these things, my attitude changes because I am no longer focused on the problem. Whatever you are going through, find a Scripture that applies and say it. I don't care how long it takes. God is faithful to His Word. I may not be out of the wheelchair yet, but that is where my focus is! Encourage yourself today and see what happens. I guarantee once you start praising God, you won't be able to stop.

I know waiting is hard. I have been in a wheelchair almost ten years. God's Word says,

"But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."

Today, I am trusting in Him to be all I need. I invite you to do the same.

Persistence Means Something

Geology 5 © Sean Carpenter via freeimages.com

I am having trouble being content with where I am physically. I am doing far more than I was a year ago for sure.

"But I just want to get up (from my wheelchair) and start walking a lot. I want to get up and tell my body 'Let's go!' I said to Mama.

"You should be content with what you are doing now," she said.

I should be, but I know what I could be doing. I could be walking several days a week. I could be chasing my nephews around. I could be...

How many times do we let the "could be's" in life stop us from seeing and celebrating what we ARE already doing?

I am walking with my walker some.

I am sitting up more.

I am able to do some simple exercises.

I am working on my book.

I am helping more at church.

I am making progress. I am being consistent with doing all that I know to do. I know that at this stage in life it's not about how much I do, it's about continuously doing the little things. Even though it doesn't seem like a lot, every movement I make is making me stronger. I am getting more stable. 

As a friend recently said, "It's better to do a little bit consistently than to do a whole lot every once in awhile."

Persistence means something. It means you have stuck to your goals no matter what. The definition of persistence is firm or obstinate continuance in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition.


Continue on in your fight, friend! Those who don't give up ALWAYS win!

Staying Focused through Physical Pain

Arrow Sign on the Road © sardinelly via freeimages.com

I am having to stay focused on my goals right now. I can't think about how things were several years ago. I remind myself over and over of the phrase, "You can't go forward looking back."

To stay focused and joyful while dealing with pain, I set small goals. I do a few exercises. I read a few chapters in a book.

Another way I stay focused is by relaxing. Your muscles tense up when in pain. I have to be intentional when relaxing. I take deep breaths and focus on something else besides pain. Sometimes I sing. Sometimes I think about going on an adventure with my mom.

I rehearse the positive things I've done during the day. The biggest thing for me is to just keep moving forward. Even if I can't quite sit up a whole day, I do something. Most of us get bogged down by the fact that we are not where we want to be so we end up in a rut without realizing it.

My encouragement to myself and to you today is this: Do something different today. If you usually walk for a mile, go for a mile and a half today. You can do it! And you will be so proud of yourself for pressing forward in spite of those negative thoughts that try to creep in. You are stronger than you think!

You Don't Understand

Man with a megaphone 2 Bartek Ambrozik via freeimages.com

I understand. It's a phrase that I hear quite often. As someone who has to take it day by day, you don't understand. You don't understand what I go through.

You don't understand what it's like to be fine in the morning and be zapped of all energy by mid-afternoon.

You don't understand what it's like to be woken up out of a somewhat good night's sleep by waves of nausea that come and go.

You don't understand what it's like to feel tingling and aches sometimes all throughout the day.

You don't understand what it's like to say you're coming to an event and then have to postpone it indefinitely because you just can't go.

You don't understand what it's like not being able to play certain things with my nephews.

You don't understand what it's like to not be able to pick up my nephews.

Now, some people DO understand. Those who have helped care for someone with a chronic illness know what I am talking about to a certain extent. The majority of people don't understand, and it is incredibly frustrating to try and explain things to them.  

I am not a negative person, and I never have been. In spite of all of life's curveballs, I have made a choice to be positive. I choose joy regardless of what my body does. I don't talk about how I feel. I praise God and sing songs even when my body is screaming in protest of whatever I am trying to do. It's called fighting the good fight of faith. No one ever said life would be easy, but I do have control over how I react to things.

This is not a pity party. I just need to vent.  Unless you are in my body, you have no clue what I go through on a daily basis. Maybe instead of saying, "I understand," please think before you say this because you never will. And the thing is, I don't expect anyone to. I just expect people to be respectful and not just say things to be saying it. If you want to say something, be encouraging. I can always use that. And if you can't be encouraging, just don't say anything.

Still Fighting

This was written several weeks ago, but everything rings truer with each passing day.

Journey to Myself © Peter Hostermann via freeimages.com

I am still fighting. At this stage in my recovery, it is all about bypassing how I feel and what I see. Since my foot responded so well to the surgery, I don't need physical therapy.

Dr. B said, "There is no need to have someone forcing it into positions when it is already there." That was a shock because I just assumed I would need physical therapy. It was a fantastic yet frightening feeling. Fantastic in the sense that we wouldn't have to do extra traveling, frightening because I had to get used to moving it again.

My foot was fixed, but I have to deal with the mental side. This time there would be no Dustin, no appointments. It seemed like I was being thrown into the water with no life preserve. On the way home, I told Mama, "Well, the only thing I know is to jump right in." I was tearful and emotional because there is no textbook that says do this on week one, week two, and week twelve.

"And they threw the rule book out when I was made," I said.

But, I don't get off easy! I am having to move around, sit up, and put weight on my feet. Yesterday, everything within me was screaming. I didn't sit up yesterday, but I did walk some to stretch out my sore muscles. Being sore is a common thing lately, but I am determined to not go back. My focus is straight ahead and nothing else.

I started out standing up for two minutes, and when that got too easy, I bumped it up to three. I am holding steady at three minutes. I had ambitious plans to do this every day, but that hasn't happened.

Between walking a few steps to the shower and back, that has sufficed. Most people don't understand what it is like for aches to set in after a shower. It seems like such a simple task after all.

As I said in a previous post, I had some cortisone shots put in my left foot at the beginning of the month. They have helped tremendously. 

(When I wrote this, this was my progress) I've sat up for an hour this morning, read part of a memoir, and have plans for a shower this afternoon. That means I will have sat up around two hours!

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Throughout the past few days I have wondered, "When did I become such a wuss?" When did I allow the pain to seep into my thoughts? I have a choice. It is time to refocus. I will win this battle. And in the process, my mind changes. I see things clearly and pursue with a relentless tenacity. The greatest battle you will ever face isn't with others; it is with yourself.

So, today I say, "Madison, you are more than this. You are more than what you feel. Victory is already yours. Don't give up."

Comments are disabled for this post. If you want to post something encouraging in a message or on Facebook, that is fine. I am just being honest. Today is one of those days I have to encourage myself.