I Will Not Be Moved

I'm tired. Tired of the struggle day after day. I feel like I'm in the in between space of growth and everything that led me to this point.

I wish I was never in the wheelchair. Getting out of it for good is one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I am determined to do it. Even if that means crying while doing my exercises. 
I haven't given up, but I am tired. I need God's breath to breathe on me again. 

This isn't meant to be a depressing post, but just an honest account of where I'm at.
To win the mental battle, I have to constantly celebrate the small victories. Just the other day, I walked 7 times instead of 6 in my hallway at home.

I'm challenging myself to do more and go further. I told my mom, "It seems like I have such a long way to go to get to where I want to be." She always reminds me, "Look at how long you were down for." I was bedridden 2-3 years, but I've been in the wheelchair for almost 14 years.

I just have to steel my shoulders and plant my feet firmly on the ground. I refuse to be moved by how I feel. I refuse to be moved by what I see. 

A Consuming Prayer

This is what I prayed to God while worshipping by myself tonight. What do your prayers to God look like?

Consume my anger

Consume my frustration

Consume my guilt

Consume my pain

Consume my brokenness

Consume my depravity

Consume my emptiness

 Consume me, God

I need you more than I need to be right

I need you so I can be a light

Let your Word guide me

Away from myself

And my inhibitions

Consume me, God

Because it’s in You that I find me

Apart from you, I’m nothing

God, Help Me

God, help me
I feel so disconnected
We may be back together and near other people, but I feel miles apart

It's like starting over
It is starting over

Where do I fit?
Does anyone want what I have to give?

Does anyone see me?
I feel like a blip on the water that is only there for a few seconds
In and out
Up and down

Nothing changes
People are callous and cold

Only doing surface level chit chat
I can't stand that

I can't stand feeling like this is just another day
Smiling but never really connecting
Hugging but never breaking barriers

I'm tired of those who are okay with status quo
Go with the flow
Don't disrupt how we do things

God, help me to feel again
Help me to see clearly
Not with a haziness
A cloud hanging over everything

Every word
Every action
Even interactions

Let me be a bridge
Let me be a light
Pointing the way for others
Even if no one else cares

Even if they don't care enough to do anything
Even if they don't care enough to say anything
Help me to not shrink back
And curl into myself

Going back into my shell
Help me not lose myself

Daily Challenge: One Thing I Love About Myself

Day 6 of the Love Myself challenge. One thing I love about myself is I love people well. I try my best to encourage people and let them know I am there for them. 

What does it mean to love people well?

It means you love people differently, because no two people are the same. When I embrace a person's differences, it gives them the chance to truly be themselves. They might even embrace their quirkiness and start to love who they are. 

When I love them well, it's a two way street. They will start to draw things out of me that I didn't know I had. I will start to see myself and my gifts in a different light.

Loving people well means to be a pillar of support. A shoulder to lean on. Loving people well means creating an environment where people can be vulnerable. Vulnerable means leaving your facade at the door. It means being given the chance to be raw and real.

Loving people well means being there when life throws you into the deepest waters. Loving people well means you shine a light on hidden truths within the person. Things that they thought were buried, never to come to fruition.

Loving people well means asking hard questions...of yourself and others.
Loving people well means staying when it's messy and there are no simple answers.

Do you have someone in your life who loves you well? How do they do that?

Daily Challenge: One Thing I Love About Myself

Day 5 of the Love Myself Challenge. One thing I am thankful for is my body. While it may not move as easy as most people's, it gets me where I need to go.

I am thankful I can get out of bed every day. I'm thankful I can dress myself and brush my teeth. I am thankful I have arms and legs. Some people don't. I know several people who have a more severe form of cerebral palsy than me and they can't do anything for themselves.

They can't see. Some can't talk at all. I'm thankful for every day I see the sun come up in the morning. I am thankful I can hear the laughter of my niece and nephews.

I am thankful for the life I have. I get frustrated, sure, but I know it could be so much worse. I should have been a statistic. I shouldn't even be alive today, but I am ONLY because of the grace of God. I don't take that for granted.

I am so grateful for the life I've been given. I am so grateful for every opportunity I get to make someone smile.

I am grateful that my mind is intact and I can write and talk with people. I am grateful for every little thing that frustrates me because it means I am alive. 

You Can't Define Me

“You’re going to be the next Joyce Meyer.”

“You remind me of Kathryn Kuhlman.”

“You need to be a teacher.”

“I see you painting.”

These are all things I’ve heard throughout my life.  If you notice, all of these statements have one thing in common: They are what other people see for my life. Everyone has an opinion on what they think you should be doing.

The problem with this is NONE of these are what God says about me. We’ve been talking about identity at Rejuvenate Church and who we are in Jesus. 

I had a conversation with God a few days ago. In the Bible, Ishamel was born before Isaac, the child God had promised Moses. Ishmael was born because Moses’ wife got tired of waiting for the child God promised she would have. I refuse to settle for a counterfeit dream! This is a dream that someone else has for me.

I refuse to fit in a box that someone else thinks I should be in. Very few times has anyone said, “I see Madison. Be you! That is enough.”

I’m not meant to be the next great anyone. God has a purpose for me. I’m meant to be the greatest version of MYSELF, and you are, too!

Pondering

I have a confession to make. I don't think I've ever quite adjusted to being out of college. There was always something that needed to be done, some deadline to meet.

I think I have been stuck in a season. Don't get me wrong. I have work to do. I feel like I stay busy and I have never really mastered the art of just being.

Being okay with myself and where I am at physically.
Being okay with free time - I feel like I am lazy if I spend too much time on the computer or watching movies.

During this season - right here, right now I feel like God is telling me, "It's okay to have ONE goal. I want you to pour all of yourself into getting out the wheelchair. Stop feeling like you've missed an opportunity because you haven't done anything with your magazine. Don't get your worth out of things you DO. Realize that I love you for you even when you don't."

I'm realizing my worth isn't tied to who is or isn't around me.
My worth isn't in a job description.
My worth isn't determined by my imperfections.
My worth isn't tied to my writing.

I am more than my gifts. I guess I just haven't figured out who Madison is underneath all that. So many people put labels on you, but I am taking time to really ponder on who God says I am.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I am loved.
I am redeemed.
I am forgiven.

Perhaps the simplest but most powerful truth of all: I am a child of God. I belong to Him when I don't fit in anywhere else. He has a plan even when I can't see it. He's working behind the scenes when I don't see anything happening or feel like it's not fast enough.

Are you frustrating the grace of God?

God gave me the phrase "Frustrating the grace of God" earlier this year. That phrase came back to me today, so I decided to look up the meaning of frustrate. Frustrate means prevent (a plan or attempted action) from progressing, succeeding, or being fulfilled.

Everything makes sense. Frustrate means to prevent a plan from progressing, succeeding, or being fulfilled. I was telling my mom I didn't know if she had noticed but I'd gotten my joy back in an area of my life when I STOPPED trying to control everything. I was frustrating the grace of God in my life....AGAIN and didn't even realize it!

I couldn't let God do His job because I was too busy trying to do it. I was getting overwhelmed and frustrated trying to fix things and fill in holes I had no business messing with.

Have you done that? Scratch that. We all have. Have you done it recently? Are you tired, overwhelmed and angry about a situation that is beyond your control? Here's some advice. STOP. Stop trying to fix things. You can only do so much. Let God handle it!

God sees everything. He sees you doing more and more, yet it doesn't seem to make a difference. He wants to help. It's what He does best. He can't help you out of your situation unless you let Him. God's grace is readily available. Don't prevent progress or success by getting in God's way.

All of your efforts will leave you tired and defeated. You've tried it your way and it hasn't worked. Let God's grace cover you and your troubles.

Grace for the Moment

Image Credit: Time © Marek Bernat via freeimages.com

There’s a song that says, “He gives us grace for the moment,” and I firmly believe that is true.

So many times, we want grace to cover us at all times. And it is. It is always there helping us when we least expect it. It is not in one big lump, though.

Grace is found in the little moments. Grace finds us when we are weakest. Grace is there when we are lonely.

God gives us grace for the moment because he knows we are human. He knows our minds are frantically trying to figure out the next step…or what tomorrow holds.

He has been reminding me to let go and just be held in His grace. He wants me to just breathe and embrace His grace for the moment, not tomorrow. 

I encourage you to rest in His grace today. He says in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My grace is sufficient.” That means it is MORE than enough. Remember that!

He will be there for you moment by moment if you will let Him do what He does best – hold you and everything dear to you in the palm of His hand.

Be the Miracle

Be the miracle when it’s uncomfortable. In fact, miracles happen in uncomfortable places. They don’t happen when everything is rosy. They happen when things are the hardest when you are pushed to your breaking point.

 Being the miracle for someone else will cost you your life. What does being a miracle look like? Laying your life down. Giving when it hurts. Showing up even though nothing seems right. 

What does it take to get a miracle? Faith and trust. 

Same for BEING one! Be means to prevail or endure. It means staying in the fight no matter how many rounds it takes. To be the miracle for someone else means to show the person what’s possible when you choose to not give up. You may get knocked down, be bruised and bloody, but you are still standing. You are still breathing.

You are a miracle because you refused to take no for an answer. You looked at the wall before you and found a way to climb it. Then, you helped others find their way over the wall, too. 

That’s what being a miracle looks like! I’m not going to wait for a miracle. I’m going to realize I AM a miracle in the midst of the mess! I encourage you to do the same.

No Turning Back

You might not understand the title, but bear with me. You know, we all say we want God to change us and make us more like Him. It sounds good. Until it actually happens.

For weeks, I have been seeking God by praying more and reading my Bible almost every day. Putting God before my feelings. And for a while, things were good. And then I hit what we call an impasse. An impasse is a place that you come to that you say, "Okay, this is too much. I can't pray anymore." 

I actually took it a step further and told God, "I don't think I can handle this. It hurts too much."

Well, I got past the hump that I thought was a mountain and kept praying. Lots more praying in tongues.

 I hit the big Kahuna. A situation came up, and I was frustrated. I said things I shouldn't have. I gave voice to those negative thoughts bombarding my mind. That was not good. I felt utterly defeated, and promptly declared, "I don't know how God got the disciples to do it." To which my mom replied, "That's why most of them didn't make it. They quit because it was too hard...too much dying to what they wanted or thought."

Yeah, I was there. But the thing is, no matter how painful it is, I know God is working this out for my good. You can't sincerely pray for change and God not answer. So be ready. I have a lot of stuff that needs fixing in my mind and heart. And when I prayed for God to get to the root of the things holding me back, He has. I have been a blubbering, emotional mess for around three weeks. The situation that came up tonight had nothing to do with the people. It had everything to do with ME. That situation shed light on things that need attention in my life. And to be honest, I don't know what all I need to change. And I don't have to! That's where God in His infinite wisdom and mercy comes in to help me change. I just have to be willing.

Recently, I have even thought and said, "But God! There are many other people who don't pray. They don't seek You. They don't want change. They don't put You first."

The devil tried to convince me that I didn't have to either. He's right. I don't have to seek God. I can stop right here. But the thing is, I can't. I know too much. I know how powerful God is. I know that the Bible isn't just a book of stories. It brings life to all who find it. It is a lamp unto my feet and shines the light on the path. Even if no one else chooses this path, I must continue on.

I know too much to stop praying. I know that prayer changes things. I know the Holy Spirit is my teacher and helper. Because I am assured that if I keep running towards God, I WILL be made more like Him. My thoughts will become His thoughts. My ways will become His ways. I have come too far to quit now. I have made up my mind I won't turn back. I can't go back to the way things were before I knew God was real because there is nothing there.

I can't go back because I know too much.

My prayer I can't promise that I won't make mistakes, but I do promise to keep trying. To keep surrendering.

Because even though I look and see people not following God, I know that You have called me to a higher standard. You expect me to keep surrendering, to keep growing, to keep changing.

So even though everything within me is screaming, I give You access once again to my heart. You are the healer of the broken hearted, and I trust You. I know that You not only took my physical pain on the cross, but You also died so that I could be free in my mind and emotions.

Like Mary Mary’s song says, 

“I've come too far from where

I started from


Nobody told me
The road would be easy


And I don't believe He's brought me this far


To leave me.”

A Servant's Heart

Image Credit: Love God and your neighbor ©  Amy Burton  via freeimages.com 

A servant looks for ways to help 

A servant doesn’t do things his way 

A servant is obedient to His Master 

  

A servant is humble 

A servant puts other’s needs ahead of his own 

  

A servant sacrifices 

A servant knows who he represents at all times 

A servant doesn’t succumb to outside pressure 

A servant is consistent. 

  

A servant is stretched 

A servant never gets comfortable or too familiar 

  

A servant is sharp 

A servant stays ready 

A servant surrenders 

While studying many instances that servant is mentioned in the Bible, David is mentioned a lot. Solomon said, “ ‘You were extravagantly generous in love with David my father, and he lived faithfully in your presence, his relationships were just and his heart right. And you have persisted in this great and generous love by giving him—and this very day!—a son to sit on his throne.’ ” ~ 1 Kings 3:6 

What stood out to me was the fact that his heart was right before the Lord. In order to be a servant, we have to have our hearts right before God. This doesn’t mean we won’t make mistakes. It means our heart is turned towards God, wanting only what He wants. David’s heart was undivided, which means it was concentrated on or devoted completely to one thing. His priority was pleasing God, and because of that the favor of God followed him throughout his life. 

Father, I want my heart to be a servant’s heart. I want to be focused on serving your people well and serving your Kingdom well. I surrender my need to be right. I surrender my need to be comfortable. I say, “Not my will, but yours be done, Lord.” 

  

He Was Raised

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That fateful day came

When the weight of humanity fell on His shoulders

They all trembled at the sight

He said don’t worry, my child, for you are mine

I can carry this pain, it is mine

Go on don’t weep for Me

This has to be done for humanity

I will be raised in a few days

I will be raised for the hurting

I will be raised for the unlovable

I will be raised to bring peace

I will be raised for you

It will be worth it, My child

Leave all your burdens at My feet

My blood will erase the pain

Cause it’s a covering

I was raised for the hurting

I was raised for the unlovable

I was raised to bring peace

I was raised for you

So, go on to the Father,

He’s waiting with open arms

He died on that Cross for all of us

He died to deliver you

So what are you waiting for?

Treasure in the Junk Heap

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What do you do when things are bad? So bad that you can't see anything good? Chaos and confusion have become your constant companions. Everywhere you look, things are messy. Things that should be together have fallen apart.

The only way to survive is to look for the treasure in the junk heap. Look for the one thing that gives you hope. Look for the thing that buoys your soul in the midst of the storm.

Trust me, it's there. There is something worthwhile in the junk heap. 

In the midst of your searching, you can count it all joy because you find patience. Searching through the junk heap requires patience because the treasure is hidden in the mess. You won't find it at the top of the pile shining with a golden light around it saying, "Here I am!"

You can count it all joy because you are recognizing and benefitting from the depths of His mercy and grace. Going back to the junk heap reminds you that you were once there. You were filthy, dirty, and unwanted. You were cast away by others because they didn't think you were usable.

So, as a treasure, you might be mad that you find yourself back at the junk heap. Why I am dealing with the mess? This mountain seems bigger than the ones I've overcome! Why am I here? What is the purpose?

The purpose might be for you to leave your comfort zone and help someone else out of the junk heap. You might be the one to remind them that life is worth living. Things might be bad, but they won't stay that way. You might be a mess right now, but there is a light inside you that can't be dimmed. Let your hardships refine you. Let them strengthen you. 

I don't know about you, but I choose to celebrate the treasure in the junk heap...in me and around me!

You're There

Jesus, you are the hope I cling to 
When my world doesn't make sense
When it comes crashing in

You are there
Just like You've always been

I will rest in You
You are my refuge, my rescue

I will look to You
As everything else grows dim

I find You in the quietness of my soul
I feel You most when I let go
I hear when You don't say a word

You touch me when I am alone

Thank you for reminding that nothing has to make sense
It's okay if I don't understand
You said no mind can know what God has in store

So, I'll trust You in this ocean
I will follow You through the wilderness
Knowing You're not done with me yet

We Made It

Today was my first shower since surgery. Mama put the boot on because Dr. Brosky said to use it when doing a lot of pressure walking.

I haven’t put weight on my foot since surgery, so it felt weird. I was only able to take tiny steps to get to the shower. Mama was holding me with each step.

As soon as I sat down I got a sharp pain in the back of my head. Mama shaved my legs.

It felt incredibly weird to be in the shower. It was almost like an out-of-body experience. I held on to my shower seat. I can’t explain it. I felt like I had to hold on.

“Calm down. Take some deep breaths,” Mama said. I put my hand on the shower to steady myself. "It just feels SO weird sitting in here!"

Then it was time to wash my hair. I was prepared for my toe to hurt, but what happened next I was NOT expecting. The muscles in my legs cramped violently.

There was no way I could wash my hair. Mama had to help me.

As she washed my hair, I was crying. As the muscles made it clear they weren’t going to relax, I went from crying to wailing.

“You know the calmer you stay, the better it is for you,” Mama said.

“I know. It just hurts SO bad!”

Finally, I told Mama to bring me a Flexeril pill, which is a muscle relaxer I take to help spasms.

She tried to give it to me, but I couldn’t reach for it. She put the pill in my mouth and the drink to my lips so I could get it down.

After a while, Mama said, “Do you think you could wash your body to get your mind off things?”

“I’ll try,” I mumbled through the pain.

I got as far as holding the bottle before my left leg went into a spasm again.

“My leg! My leg!”

I knew I needed to stay calm, but my body didn’t want to cooperate. In a moment of clarity, I said, “I thank you these muscle spasms stop in the name of Jesus!” Mama was praying, too.

I could feel my body relax. Sweet, sweet relief.

Mama said, “Has it relaxed?”

Yes.

“I felt it,” she said.

Finally, we got my hair washed. But my legs were still somewhat in spasm.

Mama said, “I’m going to leave you for a while, so you can get calmed down before you try to get up.

I tried to put my left leg up on the ledge. It stuck straight out. “You crazy leg!” I yelled in frustration as I got it to bend back.

I said, “Your grace is sufficient. God, I can’t do this without you. I know you are here with me, but I have got to have your help to get up.

Scriptures started flowing out of me, “If God is for me, who can be against me? With God on my side, I cannot fail.”

My body relaxed as the pain faded away.

The ironic thing is my toe – the thing that was operated on – NEVER hurt during my shower.

I know what happened. For months, my legs have cramped and went into spasm because of my toe. Even though my toe is fixed, my body hasn’t gotten the memo. It is still reacting the same way it did before the surgery.

This post doesn’t scratch the surface of what I felt. You had to be there, and even then, you couldn’t feel what I felt. Usually when I have a muscle spasm, I sit up on the side of the bed or get up to relieve it, but today I was stuck. I couldn’t go anywhere. I had to work through it, as uncomfortable as it was.

I don’t know what people do without God because without Him, I could never make it. God never said things would be easy, but He did say He would help me through it.