Monday, August 18, 2014

Some Days

Helping hands © John Evans via

Written on August 5th

It's been almost three weeks post-op. I need to write. In some ways, I feel stronger. Since my one-week visit, Dr. Brosky said it was okay for me to put some weight on my right foot. I did that with his and my mom's help in the office, but at home, it wasn't so easy. I got up and put all of my weight on my left foot and then transferred it to my right as Dr. Brosky instructed. I had pivoted with ease with my walker many, many times so I thought it would be a piece of cake. Boy, was I wrong.

My right foot was moving, but my left foot would not move. I mean, it was as if it was glued to the floor. I was so frustrated. After a few seconds, I said to my mom, "I CAN'T do this!" I didn't like to admit that, but I didn't want to hurt my right foot. She moved the wheelchair back and I sat down in a heap, sobbing uncontrollably. I just wanted my independence back to be able to get out of the bed and go to my bedside commode when I wanted to. 

Later that night, I told my mom, I felt like a complete failure. I thought my body would just go back to doing what it had done. I mean, my left foot has healed, and it could move. It just didn't.

I was heartbroken. Then, I remembered Dr. Brosky's words, "Take it easy. You are doing great!" I didn't feel like I was doing great, but it had been just a week. I am not a super hero. So, I had to go back to transferring using my arms and the wheelchair, putting some weight on my right foot. 

I have been sore, but I am able to get up by myself now. I am just not using the walker again right now. I know it will come eventually. I admit that I am too hard on myself. Some days, I am frustrated at myself for not working on my book. The cast on my leg is a reminder that I just had surgery. Hello,  Madison! It is okay to not work on anything right now. My days consist of sleeping when I can, sometimes for several hours in the day. Sometimes I watch TV. Other days, it gives me a headache. 

Some days, I post on Facebook. Some days I don't. My days are spent doing whatever I am comfortable doing.

Even if I wanted to work on my book, I know now isn't a good time because sometimes I don't remember what I have said to my mom, thoughts aren't complete, and words are misspelled. 

The days seem long, but I know I am blessed to be able to see the rain fall outside of my window, to hear my nephews laugh, to have a lift chair to sit in. Not everyone has those things. Not everyone has a supportive family. I do. Every day is a day of getting stronger, even if I can't feel it or see it. 


tam7777 said...

You got this, Madison. God is the same God who brought you through every other time. He is right there every step you take. He's taking two.