Saturday, September 01, 2012

Advocating for Another: The Spark Within

Even though school and life got in the way, I still wanted to finish the advocating for another posts.

Today's post is a letter to my [blogging] community.

After so many surgeries, I lost my spark. When I was younger, I would do anything my brother did. I wouldn't think twice about any limitations. Going to the doctor and experiencing so much pain made me cautious, uncertain about taking steps, rolling over in the bed. Simple things that I wouldn't have batted an eyelash at before. 

I didn't wake up one day and discover my spark was gone. When I had physical issues one right after the other, it began to slip away little by little. I really noticed a difference after my spinal fusion because it took me longer than most people to recover. In all honesty, though, it started the year before when I was in agony 24/7, soaking my pillow in tears because I couldn't sleep with that pain. Just waiting for daylight to shine through my window so I could take some medicine to at least dull the pain somewhat.

It happened when I would have to sit in church services with my TENS unit on 60, the highest setting, with an ice pack because my back hurt so bad.

It happened when I woke up to discover a bright red place on my hip that hurt deep inside of me. It happened because my cousin, who was young at the time, had to see me lay in the bed rather than doing fun stuff with her because I was hurting...but I didn't know why.

It happened after countless pokes from nurses taking blood tests but finding nothing wrong with me. It happened when my mom was told to take me to the ER in Atlanta, spending hours crying waiting for a doctor to see me only to hear them say they had seen nothing like it.

It happened on the way home from Atlanta, when I was throwing up on the intersection with no where to pull off. It happened when I knew something was wrong, and experiencing utter frustration when the residents on call in the hospital thought I was crazy.

It's so important that we don't let a disability or our circumstances cause us to be a shell of our former selves. I've spent a lot of time trying to get back to the person I was. I've missed the girl who was full of spunk. I've missed the girl who would take a hard fall, and jump back up with a bleeding elbow and go right back to playing outside. I've missed the girl who had a zest for life. After this weekend, I've made a conscious decision to get her back. I'll share more about that later. All I can say is "Watch out world, Madison is back!"


tam7777 said...

First thing is to recognize you did lose the spark. Now on with this race.