The Strength Within

When all the outside forces are pulling you in a million directions
Testing your patience and causing frustration

Day after day the pain lingers like an unwelcome visitor
I start to feel like a stranger in my own skin

But somewhere deep inside
I summon the strength within

The strength that says I won't stop
The strength that says I have too much too give
Don't silence me
Don't quit

Don't give into the voices that say "This is just the way it is. This is your reality now deal."

There's a fire deep in my bones
A knowing that this isn't how the story ends
I control the narrative

Not my body
Not my emotions

They flucuate like a rollercoaster
I get mad
I get tired

Sometimes I can barely move

Still I rise
Moment after moment
I refuse to let pain control me

I've seen God's hand in my life many times before
He's raised me up before and He's doing it again

Things may be really hard right now
But that just means the victory will be so much sweeter

Tendons pulling in
I pull back

I square my shoulders and dig my heels in
Because I control the narrative
Using the strength within

Self-Reflection

Today has been a day of self-reflection. After listening to some leadership teaching, I've given a lot of thought to what Dr. Myles Munroe said. He has a way of making you think. He has a way of speaking to not only who you are right now, but who you COULD be.

He gave the illustration of a fruit tree. We all know every tree starts out as a seed. He said, "Your seed is the idea or ideas that just won't go away."

I've had two seeds burning in me for many years. Writing a book about my life and taking my magazine I developed in college and turning it into a business.

Some questions I've asked myself today are:

What kind of fruit am I offering to others right now?
What kind of fruit COULD I be offering?

You see I don't want to die with potential left inside me. I don't want my gifts to go unused. I don't want to work just to have something to do. I know I was made for more.

My biggest competition isn't with other people or even their ideas. My biggest competition is myself. I have got to start believing in me and who God created me to be.

A few weeks ago, I was feeling very awkward because no one sat at my table AGAIN. This has happened throughout my life. I don't know why. Someone once told me I was like a magnet: I either draw people to me or I repel them.

These people didn't know me and yet they still stayed away. I didn't understand. I cried about it some until God asked me one question. He said, "Why try to fit in when you were born to stand out?"

Okay, okay! I get it. I'm going to be me regardless if I'm surrounded by throngs of people or none at all.

Others have told my mom, "There's so much in Madison." Maybe I don't see it. I've always had a yearning for something deeper.

Maybe I'm not bearing the "fruit" people need because I'm afraid of failing. I've had a fear that I wouldn't be able to reproduce my magazine as good as I did the first time. I had tried before and no one was interested in being featured, but maybe now is the time. Maybe this is MY season. I'll never know until I take that first step. I told God tonight April 30, 2019 that I am not praying for success. I am praying for the grace to be obedient.