Posts

The Longest Goodbye

Image
This is what I said it felt like when describing what we have gone through with my grandmother. For four years, we've watched her slip away. First, it was crippling anxiety and panic attacks. Second, it was her losing the ability to drive. Third was bedsores that became open wounds. Next, it was her getting up out of bed and falling and breaking a few vertebrae in her back. After that, it was her becoming bedridden. Now, it's hard for her to communicate clearly. She also has some trouble swallowing. We've felt all of the emotions of grief. When my Papa finally decided to let Hospice come in and help, the nurses thought several times she was going to pass away in a matter of days. All of the family came in to say goodbye. She didn't pass away like they thought she would. She's been on Hospice for almost nine months. I miss my Granny coming to visit me. Even though we live within walking distance, I still miss her coming to check on me. Now, the tables have turned and
Post a Comment
Read more

Love People Anyway

Image
Image by  StockSnap  from  Pixabay If the last few months have taught me anything, it's love people anyway. Go out of your way to make people feel loved and appreciated. Listen to their silly stories. Be inconvenienced. Take the trip. Make memories because you really don't know when it will be your last opportunity. Life can change in an instant. And you may have done nothing to deserve the hand that you were dealt, but remember, the people around you didn't deserve it either. They were merely caught in the crossfire of someone else's pain. I finally realize the depth of what Martina McBride sang in her song when she said,  "You can spend your whole life building Something from nothin' One storm can come and blow it all away Build it anyway You can love someone with all your heart For all the right reasons In a moment they can choose to walk away Love 'em anyway." I heard that from a place deep inside of me the other week when I was confronted with uni
Post a Comment
Read more

An Empty Celebration

Image
Today is my niece's 7th birthday, and we didn't get to celebrate with her today. My mom made a cake just in case she came. From the time I woke up, I was confronted with the reality that she wasn't there. The empty house that was so still the silence was deafening. When we finally did decide to get out of the house, there was a little girl at the restaurant with us who was celebrating her birthday. She had a cute little pink headband that proudly showed everyone she was the birthday girl. I had to choke back tears at the table as I remembered we SHOULD have been celebrating my niece. As the little girls laughed and smiled, I couldn't help but see my precious niece's face. I hurt in a way I didn't think I could today. Then something else happened that was another slap in the face. I said, "God, you see this! I know you say forgive seventy times seven, but I don't know how much more I can take."
Post a Comment
Read more

Forever Forward

Image
FOREVER FORWARD I heard this phrase in a song last week, and it stuck with me. It's easy to choose to go forward for a day, a week, a month, maybe even a year. But choosing to forever go forward takes a deep level of commitment. Forever forward means looking adversity in the eye and saying, "You will not win." Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Because people who choose forever forward are not bound by circumstances, attitudes, or people. They choose to continually go forward because to stop means you die. To quit growing means you are stagnant, stuck in one place. Like a female veteran friend of mine recently said, "Stagnant waters don't heal or nourish." Get up out of the pain of yesterday and go forward! Whatever that may look like for you. Make better decisions. I can't guarantee hardship won't be there when you wake up, but choosing forever forward means awakening the lion within you. And staying committed to doing that as long as it takes. Fore
Post a Comment
Read more

Swimming in Emotions

Image
Joining the weekly prompt over at Mama Kat's Writing Workshop . Swimming against the current. Utterly exhausted from trying to keep myself afloat. Grief and chaos are all around. When will peace break through these waters? How do I keep going? Putting one arm in front of the other, I feel the water. Something so fluid and free, but my mind is heavy, like an anchor trying to pull me down. Willing me to stay rooted in the pain of yesterday and all the days before.  I can't give in. I won't give in. The minute I stop trying is the minute I am consumed. This is not how the story ends.  It's just a chapter. Like Dory in the movie "Nemo," I'll just keep swimming. I plunge myself into living. Feeling. Breathing. Moving.  I will reach the other side of the bank by turning my pain into purpose. 
1 comment
Read more

An Empty Seat at the Table

Image
Sorry I haven't written much. Life has been crazy. My grandmother passed away from covid pneumonia on September 9, 2021. Today I feel like I can finally write something that has been on my heart since that week. An empty seat at the table I look around and you're not there Bustling about making sure everyone is taken care of We are all gathered around the table that we've shared so many meals at, so many laughs But there's an empty seat at the table It's the seat you should be in You should be here But you're not and it's not fair My heart aches at the thought of all the things you'll miss The emptiness I feel is too big for words Sometimes all I have are tears But tears won't fill that empty chair Tears won't bring you back I just pray that every day we have left we continue to make you proud By loving a little deeper And speaking a little sweeter to those around us Like the preacher so beautifully said at your funeral, you embodied Galatians 5:
Post a Comment
Read more

I Will Not Be Moved

Image
I'm tired. Tired of the struggle day after day. I feel like I'm in the in between space of growth and everything that led me to this point. I wish I was never in the wheelchair. Getting out of it for good is one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I am determined to do it. Even if that means crying while doing my exercises.  I haven't given up, but I am tired. I need God's breath to breathe on me again.  This isn't meant to be a depressing post, but just an honest account of where I'm at. To win the mental battle, I have to constantly celebrate the small victories. Just the other day, I walked 7 times instead of 6 in my hallway at home. I'm challenging myself to do more and go further. I told my mom, "It seems like I have such a long way to go to get to where I want to be." She always reminds me, "Look at how long you were down for." I was bedridden 2-3 years, but I've been in the wheelchair for almost 14 years. I just have
Post a Comment
Read more